mother bear/ day 1/ multitasking

revelation 1: I have no time to blog! I think it would have been a cool project to document the first 45 days of motherhood/babyhood. but, who has the time? with a 3 year old & a 3 week old this just isn't happening.

here I am, 21 days into scarlett-bear's life & i'm taking a moment to check in here.

except i'm not.

what i'm actually doing is breastfeeding scarlett on the right boob (what I should be paying attention to), collecting leaking milk on the left boob (into this milk saver contraption I just pulled out of storage, never got the chance to use it with jude, and i'm stoked to find out that it works!), holding my boob away from her nose with my left hand, hunt & peck typing with my right, longing to finish chuck Palahniuk's new book that's on the couch next to me, and letting my lunch get cold. (which I should really be eating so that I can make more milk).

and this is with one kid at home - jude's on a nap/drive with daddy.

wish me luck!

good luck mommy!

The Bear Cub has arrived!

The Birthday Bandit

My baby girl is here! Scarlett Kate arrived Wednesday, September 18th at 2:07 AM. She weighed in at 6lbs 12oz, and is 19.5 inches long. She was born six days after her due date and I am so glad that the labor process kicked in naturally just as it was meant to. Especially being overdue, I kept saying that she will choose her own birthday - birthdays are written in the stars and it is one of life's best surprises. Well, this little lady was destined to be born on her Daddy's 33rd birthday! We knew it was a possibility this whole time, but I can't believe it actually happened! It is such a gift and we will be basking in this double birthday for the rest of our lives.

 

 

Sharing birthdays happens to be a tradition in my family. My sister, Bethany, was born on my mom's birthday. And when I was 8 years old, I received the gift of my youngest sister, Megan. Scarlett is just carrying on this tradition.

 

It was the most amazing, beautiful sight to watch my husband hold Scarlett in the wee morning hours of their birthday. I fell in love with both of them so deeply. I'm so proud of the man that I chose to spend my life with and the Dad that he has become. (You are welcome for your birthday present! I'll never be able to top it!)

 

 

So now, here we are. We have been a family of four for 3 days now. We are resting and adjusting at home. Fortunately, our circumstances are providing us with time and support to settle in to this new family dynamic. Miles is able to use his saved time off to take a four week paternity leave. Our family lives close by and have already helped us out immensely, and Miles' mom is also staying with us for two weeks and is a huge help in keeping us fed, our house tidy, and spending lots of time with Jude Bear.

 

 

 

Jude has just been through 4 to 5 days of intense transition. Tuesday morning was his very first day of preschool. Tuesday afternoon I went into labor, and by 2 AM Wednesday he had a baby sister. Daddy & I had not spent a night apart from him up until this time, and he spent 2 nights with his aunt, uncle, and cousin. On top of all of this, he developed a cold Monday night. Also, we passed through a full moon Thursday night, and he is my full moon baby. Each cycle he grows a ton and gets a little wild. Keeping all of this in mind, he is dealing with everything wonderfully. On the outside, he has a lot of rowdy, loud, wild and whiny moments. He is hitting Daddy, which is not typical behavior.

 

 

I see my job right now as getting as much rest as I can so that I can heal as completely as possible. From there, I'll be able to approach caring for my kids & family from a healthy and positive place. My job is also to keep myself and Scarlett fed - my appetite is ravenous! My body is figuring out the whole nursing process, and she is figuring it out from her end as well. We are having some difficulties with latching and sore nipples. But, we definitely have the supply & demand!

 

 

For this blog, I want to document my first 45 days as a Mother of Two. This is my entire life right now. And I just realized that it will be my Life forever... from this day forward.

 

Whoa!





 



 



 



Ring of Fire: Day 44

According to my calculations, it's day 44! Man, if you want a 45 day project to FLY by, just start it near the end of your second pregnancy.

Last Sunday I took a walk with my sister (where we took photos such as this one...)

 

and then I went to yoga. When I got home, my uterus was totally contracting. The muscles were tightening and you could see baby Scarlett's body poking out. This went on for a couple of hours, and I started to get excited. I figured now was the time to (finally) pack a bag for the hospital and type out a birth plan. I guess I had been procrastinating on these important items on my to do list.



 

 



Here we are, a week later, and Scarlett is still snug as a bug on the inside. The "contractions" have been coming and going for a week now. But, I'm still excited about it! I don't feel impatient or frustrated. I don't have that feeling that many women do near their due date when they're just DONE. I truly enjoy being pregnant and I pretty much feel like how I look here in this picture...

 

 

Yes, I know. My sister is an AMAZING photographer! I don't feel like I typically look this beautiful in real life. But, there is one little boy who actually IS  THIS beautiful all of the time...

 

 

So, here we are. My "due date" is this coming Thursday. I have no idea when Scarlett's birthday actually will be. I am excited and curious to find out. Her birthday is written in the stars, and it's one of my life's great surprises.

 

I got some inspiring words from my aunt who I greatly admire. She told me to call on all of the women who have given birth before me, and their energy will see me through. And, just thinking about that is Mind Blowing. I am finally starting to "get it". Driving home from my best friend's birthday party tonight and looking out over the bridge at the city, thinking of all of the people who live here... we all grew in our mother's womb. We were all birthed. It is the beginning of all of our stories. Giving birth is nothing to fear. It's the most natural thing in the world. There can be so much resistance around it, and the fear of having to experience physical pain. Why are we so wrapped up in this? I feel like I'm rambling now... but I'm interested in joining a new conversation surrounding birth.

 

We'll see how this story unfolds.

 

*bask*



Ring of Fire: Day 37 "Why am I awake?!"

I get that "nature is preparing me to be awake with the baby all night" as people love to say. But, guess what? I'm prepared. The past 31.99999 years I've been preparing. I'm a natural night owl. The past 3.25 years I've been preparing. I'm a mom.

Thank you, nature! I feel well prepared. What I'd love to be is well rested.

Tonight I took a relaxing bubble bath with lavender & Epsom salts. While listening to guided meditation for a healthy birthing experience. I actually fell asleep quite well. Then I woke up to pee. It was 12:15. I've peed 4 times since then. I've been lying in my bed, focusing on my breath. Doing "loving-kindness" meditation for myself, my babies, my family, and all of you. I feel very positive. But, I'd rather be asleep!

So... what more can I do???


Today is the last day in August, 2013. Sometime during the next month I will have my baby. I'm getting excited! But, I also feel really relaxed about it. It's funny, the first time I did this I felt like I prepared myself for "The Birth". After we got through The Birth it was like falling off of a cliff. Kind of like how a wedding can be if you're so focused on "THE BIG DAY" and lose sight of what happens after: marriage & the rest of your life. But, I didn't know!!! I didn't know I'd wake up absolutely DRENCHED in sweat from expelling so many hormones. I didn't know my ONLY job was to breastfeed. I didn't know that I really, really should have heeded those oft repeated words, "SLEEP WHEN YOUR BABY SLEEPS!"

Round two.

This time, I am more focused on protecting my space when I get home than giving birth. WAY more focused. I'm trying to enter this birthing experience with no expectations. The baby will come out. However this goes down, she will come out. When I get home I will sleep when she sleeps. I will not try to keep my house presentable for company. I will not try to entertain anyone. I will lay in my bed on a towel and breastfeed. I will lean on my family & friends for support. I will accept any help graciously. I will snuggle with Miles, Jude, and Scarlett. I will be kind to my body and rest so that I may heal fully. I will breathe in the cupcake scent of my new daughter. I will breathe in the still oh so sweet scent of my 3 year old son. I will re-enter the real world when I'm good & ready.

I'm so excited.

Here is a little song that Jude Bear wrote & sings to his Baby Sister while snuggling with the belly:

"Baby, don't cry.
Your Mommy's here.
Your Daddy's here.
Your Brother's here.
There are no shooters, no dinosaurs, no dragons
coming through the door.
No one will bite you or throw fire at you."

Scar Bear, I think you have the BEST big brother.

*bask*

Ring of Fire: Day 29 "Random Updates from a Very Pregnant Mama"

Is it acceptable to put on your pajamas at 3:30 in the afternoon & call it a day? Because that is what I chose to do this afternoon. I went on to read an ENTIRE book (Divergent) between that time and 10:00 PM, as well as read Jude 3 books and put him down for a nap, and make both of us lunch.

Weird day, but I'm happy with my choices.

To be fair, we had a busy morning. We went to our Science Class at the  Children's Museum, also the library (where I seriously almost fell asleep), and Trader Joe's. Daddy joined us for Science Class and then proceeded to put in almost 7 hours working on the bathroom. *my hero*

I fell so far behind on my 21 day meditation challenge. The first two weeks I was gung ho: waking up early, meditating, and loving it. Then I just kind of let it fall by the wayside. But, I'm reading this great book right now called Mindful Birthing. It's not just pertaining to birth, but mindfulness practice in every aspect of life. And I am finding mindful moments each day. It's still a major dream of mine to have a Consistent, Daily yoga & meditation practice! But, for now, my life remains my practice.

Namaste.

;)

Ring of Fire: Day 28 "Nesting Take Two"

Kitchen

I've spent the entire morning (about 3.5 hours) re-organizing my kitchen. So... I think the traditional "nesting" is kicking in. If you walked into my kitchen, you would not be impressed. It's not "clean". The floor's trashed. But, if you looked inside my cabinets, you might notice that the insides are vacuumed, wiped down with bleach, and there is a designated place for everything. My original intent was to make room for baby stuff; bibs, bottles, etc... Over the weekend my Saint of a husband created some storage/pantry space for us in the garage. So, I've been moving items that we rarely use out there and just shifting everything around. Poor guy isn't going to be able to find anything!

Bathroom

Oh man. Two nights ago we discovered a leak coming from our upstairs bath tub and landing in our downstairs bathtub! Of course, soaking the ceiling and walls in between the two. This downstairs bathroom has been driving me crazy. We bought our house a year ago in June, and we have never used the downstairs tub or shower. At first we just thought it was gross/filthy. So we tried to clean it. Then, we figured that maybe we just need to re-do the grout between the tile. After more investigation, we found that the drywall behind the tile was damaged. So, my husband has been trying to find time to rip it all out and re-do it. I've been patiently reminding him that it would be nice to get this done before I was super pregnant... or maybe before the baby is born??? It's actually a blessing that we haven't completed this project because we would have had to re-do the entire project after this freaking LEAK!
Anyways, the leak is repaired, and the damage isn't as terrible as we feared. I guess everything really does happen for a reason & we'll see if we can get this done before Scarlett is born! It would be really nice to have bathroom facilities adjacent to our bedroom when I'm home recuperating. But... it wouldn't be the end of the world because I do have a working tub upstairs.
First world problems, right!? 

Baby Stuff

I've been gathering last minute items I might need, washing baby clothes, and gently nesting the kids'
room and closets. Mostly it's just fun to make everything look cute. For example, I keep hanging up cute little things on display. When you open Scarlett's side of the closet, you see  her "Lil Sis" shirt hanging up with rainbow leggings,  and knitted hats made by Gwamma Bear.  Luckily I haven't had to do much, since we're not setting up a crib or a nursery. We all sleep together in one room - Mama Bear & Papa Bear on each edge of the bed while Jude Bear does somersaults in the middle. Scarlett Bear will have a co-sleeper next to me, where I hope she is comfy.
The changing table is still up since we never took it down. The kids' room has a huge closet that is easily divided in half with plenty of room for clothes, blankets, diapers, etc.

Jamm'as

Oooh, I JUST got a package from Kohl's with nursing jammies, a robe, a nursing bra and of course more jammies for Jude Bear. More stuff to wash, yay! Everything is so soft & comfy. I'm looking forward to bonding, nursing time and hanging out at home in my new jammies.

I'm so happy my husband will be home for a month.

I'm so happy my preschooler is happy & healthy. He is so sweet to this baby. Yesterday he met  a friend's new 5 week old baby sister and he was adorable with her; talking sweetly, touching her gently, peeking under her cover to see her nurse, singing Rockabye Baby to her, and hugging my leg and snuggling when I was holding her. It was a beautiful few minutes... and nerve wrecking to wonder how we'll handle it 24/7.

Here we go!

P.S. We are 3 weeks out from the "Due Date". Yikes!

Ring of Fire: Day 25 "Nesting"

I'm trying to remain relaxed & not freak out that our baby is "due" in about 24 days.
There is a frantic woman living inside my head who keeps me up at night running through lists of things I "need".

But, really. As long as I have my boobs, some diapers, and a comfy bed to snuggle in, we will be just fine. Everything else is just icing on the cake.

The smallest clothes are washed & folded in the closet. Our changing table is up, it was never taken down. Our co-sleeper is put together & we'll get it nestled into our bedroom within a week. I'll start our diaper service when we're closer to the due date. Really, we can fill this out online after we're home, as long as I have some diapers at home to tide us over. My house is cozy & comfy. My son is happy.

Yes, I should probably pack a bag for the hospital. Yes, I should probably write out a birth plan.

I've been trying to develop a "cleaning schedule" of sorts so that my house can operate in a sanitary & tidy state most of the time. This is a work in progress. We've gotten really good at keeping up on dishes, laundry, and vacuuming. We red up most of the toys throughout the day and at night so that things are pretty tidy, actually. My area of improvement is keeping the bathrooms & kitchen in a sanitary state. Really, the kitchen is fine. I struggle with the bathrooms. But, I'm making progress. I created caddies full of cleaning supplies that I keep under each bathroom sink. This way, I can take a few minutes and do SOMETHING. Even if I can't full on bleach the entire bathroom, I can clean the mirrors, or the toilet, or the counter, etc... So, my upstairs bathroom seems clean most of the time. But, my downstairs bathroom could use some love.

I'm writing all this because today is Monday. I woke up this morning totally motivated. I usually feel this way Monday mornings, but Tuesday I've lost steam. :) I had a great morning; cleaning, playing, enjoying my little boy. By noon I was Done. I just wanted to go to sleep. There is still so much "to do" but, being 36 and 1/2 weeks pregnant my body is forcing me to rest.
And this is a good thing.

I just need to balance the doing & the resting.
My home will remain a work in progress.
But, it is welcoming, loving, comfortable, and playful. These things are what is actually important to me.

In other news: Little Miss Scarlett has been SO active today. Seriously, I don't know what she is up to in there, but she is on the move. Jude & I were reading books in bed this morning and he had his legs resting on my belly. She was kicking him SO hard and he was laughing, asking me, "Mom, did you feel that?!"

*bask*

Ring of Fire: Day 18 "Whoa." or "Hold your Horses"

My due date is in a month. From today.
Time can go ahead and slow the F down right now, mmmkay?
Please?

I've started to blog a couple of times & been pulled away by other things.
There is so much to say.
I'm only writing now because I woke up at 3:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. (I do NOT recommend getting on the computer when this happens!)
My poor husband just stumbled out here to see if I was okay.

So, I'll keep this as short & sweet as I can.

My meditation challenge:
Today is day 8. It's going really well. I've been able to meditate each day and I'm getting a lot out of it. Some of the lessons are hard. It's about "Miraculous Relationships" and lately I've been learning a lot about myself and how I relate to others. I'm introverted and it can be challenging for me to make and keep friends, and I'm sensitive about how I interact with others. But, I'm learning a lot, taking risks, and benefiting from putting myself out there. Basically I need to relax, not try so hard, and not fear the worst.

Hospital Tour:
The hospital where we will deliver opened last Tuesday. We toured it Wednesday night. I'm looking forward to delivering there, mainly because of the prioritized midwife care, staff and policies that are supportive of natural labor, and also family friendly and baby friendly policies. Like, there are no set visiting hours or limitations on who is with you when. That decision is totally up to us. There is a brand new Jacuzzi tub that you can bet your sweet bum I will be utilizing. Birth balls and squatting bars available. And, because the place is brand spanking new, it is gorgeous. It is also a "green" hospital.
My ONE complaint is that in the delivery room private bathrooms there is a shower but no bath tub. The educator leading the tour felt the same way I did and could offer no explanation why the choice was made to omit bath tubs. With my first birthing experience, the bath tub played a major role. I was in a frog squatting position in the tub during the moments that lead up to my transition to the pushing phase. I felt that it helped move things along and get Jude's body and my body into optimal places for our birth.
But, I have no control over this and I need to let it go. This birth will be different, and I have different tools available. It was a spontaneous decision with Jude, and this birth story will be full of it's own twists, turns, and surprises. That's what makes it fun, right?

Mama needs to get ready:
Whoa, I have a big to do list, especially being a month out. Typing up a birth plan, packing a bag, prepping my house, washing baby clothes, and enjoying each day with my son. In addition to a birth plan, I also want to type up a "tool box" page to remind me of everything I've been practicing and is available to me. This will include breathing exercises, positions, yoga positions, and various techniques to work with discomfort. I'd like this birth to be unmedicated as far as discomfort and "speeding up" or assisting labor. Also, I want to type up helpful phrases and reminders that my husband, mom, and whoever else is there for support can verbally say to me. It's different when you hear these things from outside of your head. It's more effective for me, and I know at some point my mind will surrender to my body during labor and birth... I'm looking forward to that.
This may not be making any sense, let me give an example. With Jude, a Saint of a Midwife told me to relax my shoulders, jaw, and the rest of my body so that all of that energy can be utilized by my uterus. Of course, I knew this, but I forgot. In the moment I was tensing up. As soon as she said it, it was easy to let the tension go.
Another example: when I was pushing, all I wanted to hear was that the way I was pushing was effective. I'd never used my body to push out a baby before. My mind was Gone and I was operating completely on instincts. As soon as my mom confirmed that I was doing exactly what I needed to do, I could just go with it. Basically, "Am I doing this right? Is this how you push out a baby?" - "Yes. You are pushing beautifully." - Sweet. 37 minutes of pushing and my sweet baby boy was in my arms. But, my brain. My brain? In my experience I was a Mother Bear. Somewhere deep in the wilderness. Birthing in the mud as rain, wind and lightening stormed all around me. Naked and wild.

If you've never given birth, that part might make sense to you when it does happen. I hope it will. It was the most amazing experience and I felt more alive, natural, empowered, powerful, and connected to the earth, life, and death - as I never have before.

Baby Shower:
Really, this deserves it's own post, but now is all I have. On Saturday my Saint of a Mother hostess-ed a double baby shower for my beautiful sister and I. Rachel is having a baby boy in December and I can't express in words how much I'm enjoying this time where we get to share in this experience together. We were surrounded by such inspirational, supportive women. We laughed a lot. We were absolutely spoiled with clothes, gifts, and goodies from our family and friends.
Rachel and I have shared a lot in this lifetime. She's two years younger than I am, so she is the closest in age to me out of all four of my sisters. We have tons of pictures of us in coordinating outfits, many hand made by our Angel Mother. Many pictures of us laughing and smiling as only two uninhibited children can do. I have so many amazing memories of our childhood, our adolescence, young adulthood, and now adulthood, families, and motherhood with this woman. It was so great just to sit with her on the couch, opening all of these gifts, seeing what she got, sharing what I got, hugging, laughing, smiling... basking.
Sisters.

The shower had a "nesting" theme. (I know, my mom is freaking adorable!) There were little cupcakes with coconut "nest" topping and two little jelly bean eggs on each one. Hash brown "nests" to be filled with beans, sour cream, salsa, guacamole (This snack WILL be making more appearances at family get togethers, I can tell!). We played "nesting" Scattegories. Our cousin Jamie even wrapped her gift in an egg carton with socks and other little gifts in each compartment. Whatever. How Cute is that???

I was just so happy. My community - my tribe - is so loving and supportive and I know that I am Beyond Blessed.

 

 

 

Just the four of us.

 

Back 2 back.

With our beautiful niece, Gwen.

 

And, of course, my Jude Bear:

We have been taking it easy as much as we can, but still fitting in a lot of fun. We're coming out of a 3 day weekend with Daddy where we went to Science Class at the Children's Museum, had a sushi date, Baby Shower, cousin and uncle JoeyJoe time, walks with Daddy, playing outside with the neighborhood kids, and just enjoying our loving family. Oh, and lots of books, of course. The kid likes to READ!

 

Jude & Daddy "testing Ph" in Science Class.

 

My happy boy.

 

 

Alrighty, people! Here we go! Let's see what the next month brings.

 

 

 

 

*bask*



Ring of Fire: Day 12 "Mommy Needs a Time Out"

Disclaimer: Officially, my child is a Saint, of course.  Saint Jude.  I know families with kids who are much more challenging. But, even a Saint has his moments... especially when he's 3.

Do time outs even work??? Not for me. But, it's one of my fall back strategies when I just can't deal anymore. When my dress has been pulled on one too many times as I walk back and forth across the house. When I've asked one too many times for him to stop. When I've threatened that if he pulls on it one more time, he has to take a time out.

So there we are. I have to follow through of course???

I try.

And I try to follow through. Each time he comes out of his room, 4 seconds after I've put him there. I diligently bring him back. I stay calm.

I try.

But, he's come out 12 too many times. I've lost track. So I give up.

Epic Mom Fail.

No Follow Through.

Worst Mom Ever Award.

So, I keep calm and quiet. I let him do his thing without discussion. I actually don't talk to him at all. And he plays contently by himself.

Then, after a while, we reconnect. He says, "I'm listening now." With his angelic smile, face, eyes, eyebrows, cute little bangs. Cute little cheeks. We hug and kiss.

We both feel better.

Toddler time outs don't work. What does work? What would work? If only I could get him to cooperate, I think a Mommy Time Out would be oh so so so so so effective. It's me who is on edge. I'm the one who is tired and cranky. I am the one who needs a break. I am 31 and 1/2 years old. Can I PLEASE set a timer for 31 and 1/2 minutes and sit in a dark room with nothing to distract me??? If I need to, I can cry until I feel better. If it's a rough day, I can scream, I can punch my pillow, I can write in my diary, I can curse the world up and down. I can get it out however I need to without hurting myself or others. And once it's out I can have a calm and loving discussion with someone who loves me unconditionally.
I'm not even there yet.
I very rarely get there.
Typically, like today, I would sit in my special time out place. Alone. Free from toys, electronics, anything that will distract me. I would reflect on my attitude and how I'm feeling. I will make a different choice to be kinder to my loved ones. To listen to my child. To slow down. To let the little things go. To realize that if he's following me around, pulling on my dress, maybe I could just STOP. Stop whatever I was doing and give him my full attention. Read one too many books. (We're already up to at least 10.)  To be Loving.

For 31 and 1/2 minutes.

Okay, I'll be 32 in October, so I will round up.

Come on, this is a billion dollar idea. We just need the toddlers to get on board.

Ring of Fire: Day 9 "Live & Learn"

 

Over the past 3 years I have taken Jude to a LOT of activities. We started out with baby storytimes at the library & mama baby yoga classes. We've been taking him to baby & me swimming classes for 2 1/2 years (mostly a Daddy weekend activity). Through our parks & rec district, which I am a big fan of, we've participated in munchkin gymnastics, munchkin sports, messy little fingers, paint and play, mom's morning out, preschool exploration, first time friends, knee high naturalist hikes, creature features at the nature center... and more that I'm probably forgetting. :/ Plus tons of storytimes and crafty activities at the library. (Not to mention various playdates, meetups, and our routine park explorations, and trips to the zoo and science museum...) Yesterday we found the BEST class of all... "Science Tots" at the Children's Museum. Jude had a BLAST and I get inspired by the thoughtful & creative activities, since I am a teacher.

Spontaneous Happy Dance for the Rocket Blast Activity 

(Film canisters filled 1/2 way with liquid watercolor, add small pieces of Alka Seltzer tablets, cap & flip over... count down from 10, then up, and be surprised EVERY single time the rocket takes off - leaving cool splatter paint art! We must have done this 20 times.)

It seems like a lot when I think about it. But, you never know how something is going to be until you give it a try. I love to sign up for all of these activities because I get a chance to interact with other parents, to learn what my child is into, what his learning style is like, and how he interacts with other kids & teachers. I think Scarlett will benefit because I've learned what kind of activities & organizations I like and which ones were a waste of time and money. I'm just thankful for Jude's easy going attitude and willingness to go along with whatever crazy schemes I come up with for the day. This spontaneous "2 thumbs up" photo seems to say, "Thanks Mom, you're doing alright."

Ring of Fire: Day 8 "One more thing..."

Ha! I forgot one thing that has been very different during this pregnancy... the decision whether or not to find out the gender before our baby is born!

With Jude, we both wanted to be surprised. I thought that it would be challenging, but looking back, it was really enjoyable. My pregnancy seemed to go by pretty slowly instead of rushing by. It was fun to wonder about the child growing inside my belly, wondering if I'd have a daughter or a son, and hearing other's speculations. I'm glad that we gathered "neutral" colored baby gear & clothing instead of having only "boy" stuff or "girl" stuff - and now it's a GREAT benefit because we can use all of that stuff again!

We actually did find out that we were having a son before he was born... but it was after my due date had come and gone. On May 20th, which was my due date, I had a plan to go for a swim, lunch & pedicure date with my mom & aunt Jan. On the pool deck (immediately after laughing with the life guard about how it was my due date but, not to worry because I was with TWO nurses!) I slipped and fell. My body instinctively went into a lunge position, but my right foot was behind me and I landed on top of the ankle bones. I heard a loud crunching sound and I knew that this was not good at all. I ended up with a horrid sprain that kept me off of my feet until my labor began 6 days later. I went to the hospital to get monitored and checked over. My blood pressure dropped drastically, but my baby was completely healthy and resilient during the whole ordeal. It's amazing how our bodies will take care of that baby above all else. It was a couple of nights later when I felt nervous because I had not felt any movement the whole night long when normally the baby was an active night owl. So, I returned to the hospital for a non-stress test. This is where they do an ultrasound to check the baby over. The baby was, of course, just fine. It was impossible to "hide" the gender at this point because as I watched the screen I saw a healthy pair of testicles float right on by.

I was ecstatic!!! It was the best feeling to celebrate the fact that we would soon be welcoming a SON! We didn't tell anyone in our family and they had no idea that we had accidentally found out. Hee hee hee. I don't know if it would have been different otherwise, but I did not even think about gender during the actual birth or thereafter. It was the furthest thing from my mind. Except when I looked, supernaturally wide eyed, at my husband and exclaimed, "We have a son!"

Love of My Life.

 

So, THIS time around, I wanted to see what the other experience was like. It took some convincing for my husband to get on board, but I knew that he would eventually. I really wanted to find out if we were going to be parents of two boys, or a boy and a girl! Also, I wanted to prepare Jude by being able to talk about a "baby brother" or "baby sister".

 

I felt SO nervous going into the 20 week ultrasound appointment! I don't know exactly what I was nervous about, but I had serious butterflies in my belly. I was immediately calmed when I saw the baby on the screen and saw that it did have all of it's parts. It is amazing to see the brain, spinal cord, organs, the limbs kicking and the mouth opening. I just stared in wonder and amazement the entire time, and asked the technician once in a while what we were looking at. (This technician barely said a WORD!) The appointment took over an hour and the technician for some reason waited until the very end to ask us if we wanted to know the gender!!! I felt like I already knew because when she was looking for the bladder, I swear to God that I saw the shape of a vulva. I didn't know for sure though, and Miles thought he saw boy parts. ???

 

Maybe I have a gift for interpreting ultrasounds because I was right & the technician confirmed that our baby is in fact a Girl. <3

 

I still can't believe it and I'm so excited to see what having a daughter is like. I had no idea how much fun it would be to hang out with a little boy all of the time and I am trying to approach all of this girl business without expectations.

 

However, I am super excited about a couple of things. One: My family is full of amazing, strong, inspirational women and I'm excited to continue this legacy. Two: This little girl has the BEST daddy in the whole world. My own biological father was a bit of a disappointment, and I'm looking forward to seeing the true love that can exist between a dad and a daughter, and for her to have what I didn't have.

 

I'm just excited to *bask* in the love of this family of four that we are creating.

 

Love, love, love.

 



Ring of Fire: Day 7 "The Good, The Bad & The Ugly"

The number 1 question people ask me about my pregnancy is, "Is this pregnancy different than your first?"

Of course, the short answer is Yes. :)
But, I'd love to elaborate.

The biggest difference is that I'm already caring for my 3 year old Bear Cub. This impacts a number of things.

#1. It's not about me.
The first time you're pregnant, you are the center of the universe. Enjoy it! You are creating life, you are a miracle, you are the embodiment of womanhood and feminine goddessness. The second time around, I feel that I am still all of these things, but it's just not about me anymore. And that's okay! It's more about our family growing, and most of all about Jude becoming a big brother. He embraces it, and that is the sweetest thing in the world. First, he named the baby "Jubie" and refused to call it anything else. Recently, he decided that her name will be Scarlett & corrects me when I call her Jubie. He also started referring to her as his baby sister & insists on hugging and kissing the belly several times a day. He talks to his baby sister directly through my belly button, as I'm sure is a popular gateway for lots of little people.

#2. Work
During my first pregnancy, I worked as a Substitute Teacher. I was fresh out of Grad. School and would commute for an hour to work in school districts way on the other side of town. I also provided childcare for two families on a weekly basis as well as lots of on-call babysitting. I also worked at Target on my Christmas break. What possessed me to take on that mind numbing job, I don't know. But, please never let me do that again.
I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted to do with my schedule! I didn't have to worry about anyone else, and especially about finding childcare.
This time, I am blessed not to be working outside of the home. I am employed as a sub, thankfully in my home district, and I did work up until last Christmas. Then I finally made a choice to put my career on hold and to accept the fact that the mothering work that I am doing is valuable and important. It is my life's work. This is a huge challenge for me because yes, we are living on less income, I can't buy everything that I want to, and I compare myself to those around me who always seem to be doing more. But, the important thing is that these are good challenges for me to work through and learn from. It's challenging in a positive way to learn to live with less. It helps me to focus on what's really important. I also have a lot of letting go to do when it comes to JUDGING and comparing myself against other people... this is my issue, not the fault of anybody else.

#3. Time in General!!!
Spoiler alert: Pregnancy makes you TIRED. Super tired. Your body is working incredibly hard and there are days when you should stay off the road and just stay in bed. Not possible with a 3 year old. They have an endless well of energy.
During this first trimester, I was very fatigued. But, Jude was still napping on a regular basis so I took advantage of that and napped with him. NO GUILT! Thank you, Jude. :)
It's true that the first trimester is the most exhausting. This was the same for both pregnancies. However, I don't recall that the debilitating exhaustion came BACK during the beginning of the third trimester and this time I was once again forcing myself to stay home and falling asleep on the floor, on the couch, anywhere I could grab a quick 10 minute nap - while keeping one eye open for the Bear.
I just find myself with less time in general. Or, I suppose I use it in a different way. We are constantly rushing when we are leaving the house. I don't like this feeling, but it might be just the way it is for anyone caring for small children. Time slips through my fingers.
I have, however, continued to prioritize myself, my well-being, and self care as a rule. It can be a challenge at times, but I find it allows me to be present and joyful when caring for my family. I cash in all of my childcare favors, "extra" cash, and spare time for Yoga classes, massage, and precious time with family and friends. During this pregnancy I've been blessed to receive prenatal massages as a gift and have received 7 so far??? I know, I am completely spoiled. I also attend 2 prenatal yoga classes each week.

Mama Bear & Cub - end of trimester 1, thereabouts

So, physically, things have been different. I am very blessed and thankful that my pregnancies have both been low risk, and without serious complications. I remember my first pregnancy with such fondness. I truly felt healthy, happy, glowing, and at my physical best.

This time around, I have a bit of a laundry list of minor complaints...

#1. Nausea: This lasted only through the first trimester, thank God. And I never actually threw up. I just felt nauseous every morning, every night, and most afternoons. I had trouble eating anything, especially in the mornings.

#2. Leg Cramps: The majority of mornings the FIRST thing that happens is I automatically stretch out my limbs and one of my legs will just LOCK UP and paralyze me in a state of extreme pain. I literally yell out in pain and am stuck until it passes. Not a great way to start the day. Now, I'm taking a calcium supplement and it seems to be helping. Meaning that it's no longer the majority of mornings, now it's down to probably 2 out of 7 days. Still sucks.

#3. Yeast Infections: I've had two. This is probably TMI, but I just want you to know that it's a reality. Drink lots of water!!! And now I'm taking a probiotic every day, which I think is helping immensely.

#4. Hemorrhoids: Definitely TMI. But, I had a terrible experience that caused a flare up of the roids that showed up into my life after giving birth the first time. It's been over two weeks and I'm still quite uncomfortable. If you would care to talk to me about this in real life, I will chat your little ear off about it.

#5. Anemia: Apparently I am slightly anemic! This may have contributed to my 3rd trimester exhaustion. I am feeling more energetic since I've added an iron supplement into my daily routine.

#6. Pregnancy Gingivitis: IS actually a thing. It affects some pregnant women and in different ways. I noticed after a routine cleaning that every single day when I flossed there was one spot in my mouth that would bleed profusely and without stopping. Yay. I was very nervous to call my dentist, especially since I'd experienced my first root canal last year. But, she was reassuring and said it happens a lot and it will go away after pregnancy, maybe after breastfeeding. I got an extra cleaning at the beginning of my 3rd trimester and now I have been prioritizing flossing EVERY SINGLE DAY. Okay, I missed yesterday, but that is IT, I promise.

#7. Pregnancy Migraines: Also a REAL thing! Who knew?! I had a few episodes where these flashing lightning bolts made up of triangles took over 3/4 of my field of vision and I couldn't see anything for about 30 minutes. I did not have a terrible headache, which is what I thought a migraine was???? So, I got to meet with a neurologist, which was actually awesome. He listened to me, asked great questions, and looked me over pretty well and I feel confident that I don't have any neurological disorders. Yay! Just wacky, trippy migraines that probably won't affect me at all after pregnancy.

#8. All these freaking supplements! Okay, before I got pregnant I didn't even take a vitamin. I took NOTHING each day, and I liked living this way. I try to get everything I need from a healthy and balanced diet. Now, each day I wake up and take a shot of Floradix (iron supplement) and a probiotic pill, because I need to take these 30 minutes before eating anything. Then, throughout the day I take a prenatal vitamin, 1-2 stool softeners (which I don't think are even helping me at all) and 2 calcium+vitamin D supplements. Add on to this daily routine a yeast infection treatment, attempts at hemorrhoid relief and flossing... oh the joys.

Mother's Day weekend - Trimester 2. With my sisters & our Papa Bob Bear.

Last but not least, let's talk about weight gain. With my first pregnancy, I gained about 30 lbs. It took me about a year to get back to my pre-preggo weight, although the truth is that your body changes shape and it will never be "the same". This time I really haven't gained much weight, maybe 10 lbs so far? I don't care as much, I'm not really counting, and I feel like it's all baby. I love my round belly and I love carrying this little girl with me everywhere I go. I think I look great, even though people seem to have to say stupid little things like, "Are you sure there's one in there?" "You're just about to pop!" etc, etc, etc.

Me & Rachel... she's having a BOY in December! Let the fun begin!!!

Thanks for reading my long post. I just wanted to get this all out there & now I can move on to funner topics.

Take Care!

Give it 45 Days: Into the Ring of Fire

NEW PROJECT
Ring of Fire: Day 1

Alrighty, here is my new project. 45 days from now I will be pretty dang close to the due date for my second child. The "due date" is September 12th and according to my calculations, 45 days from now will be September 9th. The 9th happens to be the birthday of my best friend, Emily Pelletier, and also my very special friend, Taylor Andres. I would be honored if "Scarlett Love" would be blessed to share a birthday with these two amazing women. But, honestly it also frightens me because they are both extremely strong, intense, independent & spicy in their own ways and I just *hope* I'm up to the challenge of mothering this spirited little girl who is currently residing in my womb. I saw my midwife last week who informed me, "You know she's a wild child, right?" And I do. I really do. She jumps and moves around vigorously and quite frequently. She is going to be able to hold her own with her big brother and cousins. She is blessed to be part of a family full of strong & spicy women, and she will be surrounded by a tribe made up of extremely special, strong, supportive men and women. I'm so excited to welcome this little girl... get ready, world!

For the next 45 days I plan on blogging about my current endeavors in Mindful Motherhood, including adventures with my 3 year old Bear Cub, books I'm reading, yogic explorations, and another Deepak Chopra/Oprah meditation challenge that is coming up in August... all with a focus on celebrating this pregnancy as it nears its completion. And welcoming the newest little Bear Cub into our den.


Today we had a family day together and we took off to the beach. I've been needing to feel the sand under my feet, to hear the waves, and smell the salty air. Jude has actually been asking to go to the beach, and when he has a fantastic idea we can't say no. Daddy's been needing to dig a hole and to get out of town and away from the routine of daily life. We stopped on the way to pee (for me, of course) and took an impromptu hike through the forest, over a bridge, and down to a river to throw rocks and sticks. Daddy also got to splash his feet in the river water... and marvel at my spectacular plant identification skills. Then we were off to the beach for digging, poking, sunshine, sand, lunch, ice cream and togetherness. I can't count the number of times Jude spontaneously told us both "I love you!" It was a great day.

I'm amazed at how my Bear Cub is becoming such a big boy. He ran around the beach today, jumped in the waves, splashed in puddles, explored tide pools and wanted more, more, more.

 

Here I am, Mama Bear, with my 33 week pregnant belly and my 3 year old son. I'm so blessed.

Running, splashing, jumping, smiling and soaking up our natural world.

 

*bask*

Summer Lovin: Day 45! Reflections

Wow, I am amazed that I actually stuck with this blogging project for 45 days. It seems like it's taken forever, yet the summer is flying right on by at the same time. What a strange little time vortex I live in.

For a few days, I've been wanting to write about my gratitude for my yoga practice. Last Wednesday, I was driving home from my prenatal yoga class and I felt like a billion bucks. When I arrived at class I felt stiff, achy, uncomfortable, grumpy, and tired. After just an hour of stretching, exercising, pushing myself, accepting myself, and opening at the studio I was a completely different person. When I leave a great class like this I feel like the best version of myself. I feel centered. I feel energized. My head feels clear. I am ready to return to my family and my life from a calm, positive, forgiving, accepting place. I honestly feel like this is my true nature and yoga helps me to reach this grounding, centered, and authentic place from which I can then approach living my life. The annoyances and stresses of day to day life tend to build up and cloud this perspective until I feel overwhelmed and tired a lot of the time.

It's been a long journey for me. My very first yoga class was about 12 years ago. And I'm a far cry from living mindfully all of the time. I could spew out a long list of shortcomings of my practice here - judgments about myself - negativity. But, instead, I'm going to choose not to go that route.

It's hard for me.

This weekend, Miles and I took the "Yoga Way to Birth" intensive course for our birth education and preparation. When we were pregnant with Jude Bear, we took the full 8 week series from Emory, an amazing, inspirational, honest woman and mother of 3 boys. This weekend was led by Tina Lilly, who co-created the series almost 10 years ago. I'm in awe of her as well. Miles and I were able to connect and communicate about our assumptions, fears, as well as plans and strategies for birthing this time around. It was a beautiful weekend. More than anything, I am inspired to prioritize yoga and mindfulness practice further in my daily life. It's easy to find excuses for not taking 10 minutes for myself and to fill this space with cleaning, errands, tasks, and distractions. But, really, I believe taking that tiny amount of time each day will really benefit me. In turn it benefits my family; my husband, my son, and this little daughter who we are soon welcoming from my body out into this world.

I'm grateful for yoga, for continuing to practice and learn, and for the amazing people that have come into my life through yoga.

Namaste.

Summer Lovin: Day 39

I know, blogging 2 days in a row??? It's so unlike me.
But I wanted to put up some pictures of our garden, since everything has taken off! We tried "square foot gardening" this year in the boxes that we built this spring. It's our first garden in our new home... so it's an experiment. :) SFGardening turned into a JUNGLE of plants. Our tomatoes are just everywhere, the squash is taking over the yard, and our corn is higher than an elephants eye(er?) I'm grateful for the delicious zucchini, cherry tomatoes, peas, strawberries, bell peppers that we've been enjoying so far. I'm also grateful that tonight when we make tacos I can ask Miles to run outside and grab some peppers & tomatoes for dinner. What's better than that?!

Here are some before shots:

 

I'm sorry, but I can't remember exactly when I took those pictures. And here are some pictures that I JUST took.

 

 

Like I said; it's crazy, messy, wild, a JUNGLE. But, it's ours.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Summer Lovin: Day 38

Picture Catch-Up!
Here we are, and here are some of the summer adventures we've been having. I keep getting bigger, Jubie keeps kicking me, Jude keeps growing taller, and Daddy keeps up on his Mad Daddy skillz.

Hallelujah! The zoo train returns!

Daddy & Son at Cousin Eli's Kindergarten Graduation.

Helping Daddy feed the garden... those tiny squash are HUGE now!

Summer Lovin.

Mommy & Jude in our backyard. Planting a tree for our 5 year wedding anniversary.

On a toddler dinner date with our favorite girl, Athena, who moved to Minnesota - *sniffles*

Blueberry picking : Take One

Bounty!

On the 4th of July - my little firecracker.

On the 5th of July: First ever Mini-Golf experience!

Yesterday: Blueberry Picking : Take 2

Jude & Cousin Dylan with their blue mouths.

Preggo x 2: Me & My sis, Rachel

The bellies are coming!!!

 

My favorite. ;)

 

 

I'm grateful for:

 

1. Houseguests! In the past couple of weeks, we've had a weekend with my niece, Gwen, and her friend, Fiona, while we all celebrated Gwen's 16th birthday!

Also, 4th of July weekend my cousin, Jamie & her hubby, Nick, stayed with us and we had an awesome cul-de-sac party with my neighbors & more family, played mini golf, and explored Oregon. I love having a big house where my family is welcome and there is plenty of room for all of us!

 

2. Blueberries: So far this year we've picked 22 lbs... plus a couple of lbs that ended up in Jude Bear's belly, I'm sure. We've got amazing jam and I've made 5 batches of lemon-scented blueberry cupcakes that are to die for.

 

3. Letting it go. Being open and receptive to the good, to help from others, to joy and beauty. Things I'm constantly working on & making progress.

 

4. Big Brother Club: Jude is amazing about this baby. His cousin, Elizabeth, who is 1 was over yesterday crawling all over our house & he was so interested in her and very, very sweet with her. I'm so excited for our family.

 

And grateful.

 

*bask*

Summer Lovin: Day 25

I just came to a realization while thinking about this blog. And it made me feel really grateful to have this perspective in my life. Thoughts tend to race around my head like, "Where the heck did June go?" "How is my baby 3 already?" "Why is this pregnancy going so fast?" Every morning I'm rushing. I'm Rushing to throw everything together that we need for whatever outing we're rushing to get to. I'm late to every play date & activity. I don't know how time is slipping away from me.

And then there's this. Today is day 25 of my current project: focusing on gratitude and blogging about our summer adventures. I'm getting ants in my pants, thinking, "This is boring." "I want to blog about something else." "45 days takes For-ev-er." I'm itching to escape. To move on. To abandon this focus and switch to something else. I should just switch my blog to a "4-5 day" timeframe. I would (maybe) be able to stick with that project...

It made me smile to realize this. And I'm so grateful to even have a "45 day" perspective available in my mind. It helps me to realize that, in fact, I'm not running around like a woman with my head cut off. Even when I feel like I am. It's all in how you look at things. If I choose to focus on the fact that life moves too fast, then, SPOILER Alert: it does. But, if I stretch my perspective a little bit, and challenge myself to stay In The Moment and refrain from the urge to move on to the next best thing... then I feel like I can breeeaaaathe. It's a more joyful way to Live. And Love it.

I obviously Rock at blogging every day for 45 days. And, if you know me, you know that I beat myself up for actually Not Rocking at this. So, F*It. I just realized that this is not what my blog is about. I just opened myself up to a new level of mindfulness and self-acceptance.

I'm sticking with gratitude.

*Bask*

P.S. I am also grateful for:
*Air Conditioning! Sweet, sweet, sweet A.C.
*My niece, Gwen, who spent her sweet 16 weekend with a friend of hers at our house, while they rocked the socks off of LeakyCon and we rocked her socks off with a surprise party! This girl is amazing. I'm so proud of her. If I'm lucky enough to have a daughter with her wit, responsibility, morals, and brains... I will kiss her feet. I was a Hot Mess at 16.
*Putting myself out there - meeting new people and stepping outside of my comfort zone.
*Baby kicks - if I could be pregnant all of the time I would. (If I didn't have to give birth & raise the kids, that is!) I ROCK at being pregnant. I'm so healthy, I'm doing yoga 3x a week, drinking water, eating well, and I'm so happy. My house is getting pretty clean, as well. But mostly, I am absolutely in LOVE with the feeling of this girl rolling around in my body, kicking my ribs, sticking her butty-butt out... it's just the coolest thing in the world. And I know, like after I had Jude, I will miss this belly so much and the connection that me & my baby have during this precious time.
*My parents' carpet shampoo-er!  And their generosity in letting us use it! We were about to spend $$ we didn't have to get our carpets steam cleaned again because they were driving me C.R.A.Z.Y!! This is so much better. Someday we will be able to afford to replace our flooring, but I'm learning to be happy in the now.

Summer Lovin: Day 18

Taking it easy.
Feeling exhausted lately, so I'm grateful that I'm able to give myself permission to rest when I need it.

Also, I'm grateful to have my wedding ring back. The diamond fell out a couple of months ago, maybe? (I'm terrible at keeping track of time.) It was kind of a miracle that I even found it, because when Miles got home and alerted my attention to the fact that on my left hand was a naked looking ring with busted up prongs & no diamond... well, we had to accept that it was gone for good. Miracle of miracles, I found it HOURS later on the floor of my closet?! How it got there I have no idea. But, today I got it back from the jeweler and it's clean, secure, sparkling and amazing.

Now, to go relax some more.

Summer Lovin: Day 13

Sweet things that Jude says:

Churches are "Castles". Especially the enormous Catholic convent that we drive by frequently. Lately, Jude says, "I've never been in that castle!" Yeah... we are not a religious family. But, they do look like castles.

"Letters" is an all encompassing term for lots of things represented with symbols; letters, numbers, and directions. When Jude asks, "What letter are you?" please tell him how old you are. This is too sweet for me to "correct". He'll adjust all of this in his own time, and I just love it right now. It breaks my heart a little bit when little kids are corrected or taught the "right" way, meaning that their way was "wrong". Most of the time, they figure it out eventually and it'll correct naturally, why rush them to follow our rules?? I just love *basking* in his world right now where he's creating his own meaning.
 I use "right & left" when I'm talking to him when we're driving and walking around. So, he'll say, "What letter are we going now?" He means, will we turn right or left?

Blanket is still "banklet"

He blows me away daily with his explanations and descriptions. It's an opportunity for me to peer into his process of making meaning. It blows my mind & amazes me to no end. I really need to start a little journal where I can jot down all of these amazing discoveries. Some are too personal to blog about, like what he learns about his body.

3 is just fascinating. Fascinating.

My other child has kicked me probably 100 times already this morning. She is a feisty one, I think. Oh boy, here we go!