Day 16

Summer rant. 

My son has recently turned 4. My son, who I am trying to raise as a balanced, compassionate, individual who is free to be himself. My new mantra is that I want to remain open, so that I am able to see him for the person that he is - for him to reveal himself to me - as opposed to trying to shape him into some sort of vision that I have for who he should be. I want to bask in his presence. 

My son who I inwardly jump for joy when he is drawn to pink airplane toys, princesses, Barbie jeeps & Barbie herself - (who he pronounces Bahbee/like he's from Bahston). And now he's on the other side of 4, and he's not quite categorizing toys & other things into "only for boys or only for girls". But he has somehow picked up that things are either "cool" or "pretty". And he's identifying with the cool stuff, not the pretty stuff. And this is what is pissing me off about our consumerist, sexist society. This is what's pissing me off about companies spending 15 Billion dollars every year marketing to children! Directly! To sell them not only plastic shit that they don't need at all to play and enjoy their lives. But they're also selling them ideas about who they are, what they should be identifying with, and their roles as boys and girls. Selling this shit to babies! Toddlers! Preschoolers! Making a fucking killing by exploiting the natural developmental occurance of how we begin to figure out how we fit into this world and filling in all the blanks of what it means, or looks like to be a boy or a girl. 

Number one, I have to spend energy fighting this mass marketing machine. Because I want my kids to make up their own minds, to think for themselves, and to develop into who they are as unique human beings in a natural world possessing both masculine and feminine qualities. So we don't watch advertisements. When they can't be avoided I tell him, "they're trying to sell you stuff that you don't need !" We don't watch a lot if TV in general. We don't spend much time browsing the toy aisles because it makes me want to vomit to see the aisles split into boy shit and girl shit. It's mostly all shit. And don't get me started on the plethora of electronic talking so called educational "toys" for babies. 

Which brings me to number two. This shit (TV, toy departments, society in general) would be so much more enjoyable if there was any sort of actual thought, support for healthy development, celebration and yes, Protection of childhood behind it. There's a lot of fucking money to be made and parents like me would shell out more cash if I saw toys that depicted females in roles that we're not solely about looking god damned pretty. We're so much more than that. 

And now I have a baby girl. In an era where the Disney princesses have been re-vamped to have a more pronounced arch in their back, bigger eyes, more pout to their lips, higher hair, curvier breasts and hips, and so much more sparkle to their dresses. Because they weren't pretty enough already. Sigh. 

No, now they better fit a completely sexualized image. To. Sell. To. Little. Girls. Very little girls. 

What the fuck, people?! 

Jude was putting together puzzles this evening. Puzzles that someone gave us & we'd never done before. We're jamming out to Raffi, Scarlett is doing baby puzzles (eating wooden puzzle pieces & banging them around) and I'm just watching my son. I am observing and only offering guidance in the slightest way. I'm watching his face burst with the brightest light of the sun and all twenty of his teeth sparkle in his grin because he is proud, filled with pride, when he keeps turning and turning the pieces and finally the picture reveals itself to him and those chopped up pieces finally make sense. And he's doing it on his own. I know how to make puzzles, now it's his turn to figure it out. And I'm giving him the space to do that. So, the second puzzle he is completing depicts some sort of princess from a Disney Junior show. I don't even know who it is. First he thinks the poofy purple dress is cake. I don't correct him. He figures out its a person, a girl. He puts her face together and her arms are both outstretched. I say, "it looks like she's stretching! Maybe she's stretching!" He finds me a couple minutes later, "mommy she's not stretching! Look, she's like... Being a ballerina!" One hand is over her head, turned toward her head. "Oh!" I say, "she's dancing !" So I proceed to dance around the living room. After the puzzle is completed I see it and a little bit of joy inside me dies. She's in a room, surrounded by books, and she's balancing a fucking book on her head. 

Why isn't she reading the book?? I wonder. 

Why isn't she dancing? 

Why isn't she stretching? 

Why isn't she eating a fucking piece of cake? 

Rant over. 

For now. 

Day 15

I just put my 3 year old to bed for the last time. Sniffle. Tear. 

This guy ... 

I am so proud of him. Every single day. Some days I'm quick to be driven crazy and it makes me feel terrible. Because that's me being tired or distracted or impatient. Most days though I'm able to slow down and enjoy this world through his beautiful blue eyes. 

Today we ended up at the World Forestry Center. We had the place pretty much to ourselves. So we had about this much fun the entire time ... 

3 has been Huge. A baby sister, a year of preschool, a new cousin, getting dressed, superheroes galore, turning on lamps, and lots of peeing in the front yard. Just to mention a few milestones. All year long though, we've been looking ahead to four. It's been an amazing motivational tool as in, "Oh, only four year olds know how to put on their own pants. Maybe when you're four you can reach that lamp." Followed by, "Look mom! Your 3 year old can do it!" And now we're on the eve of four and I kind of want to just soak up every single second of this year. Every day. Every moment. I'm so damn lucky to get to spend every single day with him. 

Day 14

Um sorry it's been over 45 days since I posted last! That was my goal - right?! 

I'm nursing my 8 month old baby girl at almost 6am. She's getting a top tooth - number 3! I've been so enjoying her two toof smile for 5 months but now she's moving on up! She now pulls herself up to stand on any piece of furniture available, sits herself up, lowers herself down, and is starting to cruise around the perimeter of the train table. She gets frustrated when she feels stuck but I get a huge smile when I offer my hand to assist her in moving on. Here she is napping outside this morning ... 

And 4 years ago today at 11am my water broke! That means the original bear cub's fourth birthday is coming up in two days from now! Here he is browsing the toy aisle at Fred Meyers ...

We had a beautifully chaotic birthday party Saturday with 15 kids in our backyard. There was a ball pit, tent, crawling tunnels, teepee, sand table, basketball hoop, soccer, and it was a fantastic free for all! 

What a perfect way to kick off our summer break! He also finished Chipmunk preschool this last week. I've heard it a million times, "they grow up so fast" and, yes, they do. 

All I can do is *bask*! 

Day 13

After preschool today I took the kids to the science museum. Jude wanted to go somewhere to see dinosaur bones. I think he was envisioning a complete t-Rex fossil or something really impressive, but I do my best. Our museum has full fossils of a Sabre Tooth Cat, Dire Wolf, and  a resin replica of an Allosaurus skull.

I think he enjoyed playing in the science playground, especially the baby area with his sister. 

Scarlett put many toys in her mouth, and I hope she didn't pick up anything too damaging germ-wise. I read or heard once that when your child does pick something up, the mother inhales whatever germ it is from the baby's breath, and her body automatically creates antibodies that are then given to the baby via breast milk. The article was titled something like "mommy kisses really do heal". I guess we'll find out? 

Day 12

Breastfeeding. 

If I can misquote Andy from an episode of the HBO show Weeds, "it's more like a  shower head than a dripping faucet" 

Something along those lines. 

When your milk lets down it sprays out of several ducts and they are what I call "stuck on". So if your baby for some reason delatches or lets go of your nipple during this window of time your nipple will look like a shower head spraying milk in several directions. 

I'm describing this because lately Scarlett gets distracted by what's going on around her while she's nursing, and she lets go and ends up being literally showered with my breast milk.  And it's adorable. She'll have lines made up of tiny white droplets all over her face, eyelashes and hair. 

Today I was plucking my eyebrows while sitting on the floor in front of a mirror, nursing of course because you only need one hand to tweeze! I didn't even realize she'd popped off, but when I looked down her beautiful head was covered in milk sprays and my nipple was shower head spraying all over the place. 

She had such a happy two-toothed smile on her face. A beautiful sight to see. 

Day 11

This is my happy place. 

This is the house my aunt & uncle built 30ish years ago. (With their own hands, not like having a house built) 

These are the woods I walked through. 

This is the ground I explored. 

This is where my happy childhood memories were formed. 

This is where my family gathers. 

This is where babies have been born and raised. 

This is where we had our wedding 6 years ago. 

This is where I can relax & find inspiration in every nook & cranny. 

This is my baby girl, crawling around where so many babies have crawled. 

This is the structure the menfolk built for us to stand under as we made our wedding vows. 

This is my Oregonian boy, running free. 

This is where he could stay all day - rain or shine. 

This is us pretending we are as cool as Paul & Bonnie. 

This is my heart. 

Day 10

We are rounding out our first Spring Break! Jude only goes to preschool for 4 hours a week, but it's still my first Spring Break as a mom of two. 

Highlights include: a picnic with the neighbors, playing at the park with a preschool friend, playing with the culdesac kids all day (Monday), library (which was packed!), bowling with daddy, baby play date with 2 teacher friends & their babies (Tuesday), children's museum for 4.5 hours (Wednesday & it was super packed!), cousin Gwen coming for a visit (Thursday through today), meeting a sweet 2 week old baby at a very good friend's, playing with her newly crowned big brother, (Friday), donut breakfast, a very busy & packed bookstore, dinner out with a long lost cousin (Saturday), and a party for my dad's birthday today, with 3 babies & 4 crazy big kids galore. 

Phew! 

Since my theme is breastfeeding, I should mention that I breastfed at every place that I listed above: the playground, restaurant, etc. At the museum we actually ducked into a little room labeled "first aid & nursing room" to sit on a comfy couch & take a break from the very crowded atmosphere. At the super crowded bookstore, I saw a mom openly walking around while breastfeeding - which I really appreciated because I've had to chase after Jude with the baby still attached before, and I've wondered if others might do the same. :) 

One of my favorite moments this week occurred on Thursday. I was very tired & hadn't slept well the night before. After taking the kids grocery shopping, we were at home and I threw a sleeping bag out in the backyard. I set the baby down & went inside to gather books, a blanket, water bottle, camera, home phone, and then carried my barefoot, Popsicle eating 3 & 1/2 year old over. It was sprinkling a little off and on, alternating with sun breaks. Typical Oregon. The three of us read books, made up games, crawled in the grass, nursed, snuggled, giggled, and just Lived together until the rain became too intense. I gathered the 4 corners of the sleeping bag together and dragged it all inside. It was a beautiful, messy, wet, happy, alive experience. 

I was taking pictures with my actual camera this week, so I don't have anything cute to share directly from my phone, which I'm writing this on. 

Next week it's back to our routine. Although, while raising tiny people, I feel like we are in a constant state of transition rather than anything I could call a "routine" that might last for more than 2 seconds. 

There is nothing to be done but to 

*bask*

Day 9

Jude at the breakfast table, "when I grow up I'm going to name my babies Eli and the other one (long pause while staring out the window) Treesap!" 

I can't wait to meet my grandkids. :) 

Scarlett found her first electric cord today. Yay! 

Day 8

Life is messy. 

Having a baby is such a great reminder of this. Too often I find myself wanting everything to be neat & tidy. Probably a lot if us have this unrealistic expectation that our house should always be clean, our kitchens disinfected, our gardens growing in perfect little rows, our children's fingernails clean & trimmed, and everything looking perfect on the outside. 

I think sharing on social media just exacerbates this because Of Course we only share photos of ourselves/children/homes/lives at our best. 

But, Life Is Messy. It's so messy! Nature doesn't give a fuck about cleanliness! It thrives in the natural glory of mold, dirt, disasters, decomposition, death, birth, and beautiful Messy life. 

Have you ever witnessed birth??? I have! Even in a sterile, clean, antibacterial hospital - life begins with a SpLoOsh of bodily fluids, shit, smells, Everything!!! It's beautiful life, baby! 

Have you ever raised children?! We're all doing it, people! You will be peed on, go about your day with spit up all over you, maybe catch some vomit in your mouth, definitely catch some in your hands, you will be covered in dirt, blood, snot, and hopefully glitter once in a while. 

My sweet baby girl loves to feed herself and instead of even attempting to avoid an after-dinner bath, I'm handing over the bowl of bananas. She loves it. And it reminds me that life is a glorious, pulsing, growing, breathing, big fucking mess. 

Yes, I like my house to be tidy. 

But I'm choosing to embrace the stickiness. It's life. It's the only one we get. 

This one - my teacher

This one - my guru 

This one - my zen master 

And this one - I'm learning as I go 

Day 7

I've been a mother of two for six months. I just have to acknowledge that this is really hard. It's challenging beyond words at times. This has been a challenging week for me. When I think about how hard it is, my mind immediately goes to how much harder other people have it. I know, I KNOW that I have it good. But, it's still exhausting & exasperating. 

Every day I'm expending so much energy that I have moments where I find myself pausing and I could just collapse on the ground, no matter where I am. But somehow I keep standing. 

And that's all the time I have for now, folks. 

Day 6

She loves to eat! 

So far we've tried baby oatmeal, bananas, potatoes, carrots, parsnips, apples, pears, mangoes, broccoli, rice rusks, and whole wheat toast. She prefers to feed herself, thank you very much. 

6 months tomorrow - I can't believe it. 

Today she also tasted dirt, grass, and pine needles. 

She has also swallowed AND passed paper and a small piece of tinsel. :( 

Na-na's remain her favorite - at least that's what I choose to believe. 

Day 5

My kids are the best because... 

Scarlett loves watching me lip sing to Pearl Jam & dance around the kitchen. This makes me sing, dance & listen to Pearl Jam more. She's on her belly watching me with her too sweet smile, kicking her dancy feet. 

Jude says, "I need to take a walk." So he & I head out the door - this was last night at 6:45. As soon as we hit the sidewalk he says, " I love walking with you in the evening." He is 3. We walk to the park, swing as high as we can, make new friends, and run all the way home to eat dinner with daddy & Scar by 7:05. 

                   It's what I do. 

Day 4

Meditation: I aspire to do it consistently. Even when I dabble inconsistently, the lessons I can apply to my own life amaze me. 

My kids were asleep in the car again today (shocker). I was sitting in the driveway of my parents house, so I popped in a Pema Chodron CD that I'd borrowed from the library. With the hope & intention that I'd take the time to listen to it & actually meditate. A few minutes into her talk she led a brief meditation. She rang a gong & said "listen to the gong". Then she said "this time listen to the entire sound of the gong until it's done" and rang it again. "And again."

The key to meditation & mindfulness is nonjudgmental awareness. This is simply noticing the noise of the gong, the seemingly endless reverberations, the thoughts that arise, whatever - and letting it just be without attaching a positive or negative label to it. Without naming it "good" or "bad". 

At least this is my understanding of it at this point in my journey. 

Fast forward a few hours when I'm driving the kiddos home from my parents' house and Scarlett is SCREAMING her head off - the entire 20 minutes home. And I'm tense. I'm gripping the steering wheel. I'm resisting the uncomfortableness of hearing my baby girl in distress. I'm fighting. I'm fast forwarding to when I'm home & I can hold her. Immediately soothe her. My whole body is so tight. "Her brother never did this." "Am I doing something wrong?" "Is this my fault?" "She'll grow out of it." And other thoughts. 

Then I realize - her screams are the gong. So I listen. I listen to the sound of an entire scream until it's over. Then I listen to the next one. And again. Repeat. I swear to god, the simple act of listening alone allowed me to hold 80% less tension in my body. I kept listening. I heard the rain hit my car. I heard the soft music on my CD player. And I heard my daughter cry. I heard her. Instead of resisting, fighting, trying to fix it - I just heard her. 

For a few moments. Quite a few moments. It didn't fix it. It didn't end it. I'm not yet sure exactly what it did. 

But it was good practice. 

                    Who, me cry?! 

Day 3

Remember how I told you that Scar Bear bites me while nursing? Well, today she actually drew blood. Has this happened to you? Do you have any tips for me? 

Jude & I had a mommy/Jude date this morning while Scarlett stayed with daddy. We went to a family yoga class that I usually bring both kids to. Afterwards, we met Daddy & Scar out for breakfast. After a few minutes of my angel baby grabbing everything within (and out of) reach at the table, I nursed her a little bit. It was fine, it was Great! And then, zzzzzzzzing! It was definitely the most intense chomp down yet & the pain shot from my nipple through my body. If I were a man, I would have let out a wail that could have been heard for a mile. But, I'm tough, and also aware that I'm in a public space where other people are enjoying a nice brunch. So I gritted my teeth and as gently as I could, de-latched her. The pain didn't subside, so I peeked into my nursing tank and there was actual blood on my nipple pad. 

Not a lot, but fresh, red, tiny blood spots where there is usually just sweet extra milk. I had a vision of my cannibal, blood thirsty baby with fresh blood smeared on her face, hungry for more. But, I have an over active, morbid imagination. 

I did take an ice cube from my water glass and stick in in my nursing tank. That helped, but honestly, my nipple still hurts, now two hours later. 

This is so different from my nursing experience with her brother, who never bit me in 27 months, with all of his teeth.  I'm getting chomped several times a day. I tried shocking her by yelling, "OW!" loudly & she just looked at me with a huge smile & sparkly, happy eyes. We live with a part-time dinosaur so she actually loves loud noises & being startled. 

What's a mommy to do?! 

I did train her to be a pirate so I've no one to blame but myself. 

Day 2

Yahoo, this blogger app on my iPhone makes it easy to write. We are living in the future, people. 

It's especially convenient because I'm in bed with my bear cubs & wasting time on this contraption that I have a love/hate relationship with. But, I digress. 

What I want to write about is Jude bear & his babies. When I was pregnant, I bought him a sweet little doll to be his baby, in order to help him prepare for his little sister. I never could have anticipated the adorable, empathetic, nurturing, 

compassionate, caring and hilarious behavior that he exhibits with "Choko" (his name, my spelling). Today we all took a bath together, Jude & his baby and me & my baby. Afterwards, he dried her off and dressed her. He informs me that he is her daddy. And he is an exceptional daddy. It makes me feel like I am doing something right... Ok, a lot of things right. :) Of course, his baby sister wants nothing more than to tackle Choko & eat her face, which understandably upsets her papa bear. 

He also has a baby dinosaur, named "baby dinosaur". Both of his babies are girls. They sleep in our bed (which makes six of us) and in the morning we Must play with them. A couple of days ago, he made up this chant for them, "Baby girls team! Baby girls team!" And they (we) sang that on repeat for what seemed like forever. I have no idea what their team was doing other than just being Baby Girls Team. 

It made my heart smile. 

He also gives them "na nas" or Baby Dinosaur will give Choko na nas. Baby Dinosaur has na nas sometimes, but her favorite food is meat. And this brings me back to my whole breastfeeding theme. Bam!  

Conveniently, they're in bed with us now! Baby girls team! Baby girls team! 

Day 1 (again)

Opening this blog up again & seeing my newborn baby girl's picture on my last post is blowing my mind. We are coming up on 6 months later and this is what she looks like now: 

It's so annoying to hear the cliche, "they grow up so fast" but this is something that only parents can truly understand. 

I have been thinking about my blog for a couple of days. There is so much to be said about my current mothering journey. The topic that has been surfacing in my mind is that of breastfeeding. 

Yesterday I spent hours at the zoo with my two little ones. It was one of those days where the zoo was almost deserted except for the keepers & photographers. 

The kids & I decided to hang out there spontaneously after attending a music performance at the adjacent World Forestry Center. At the zoo there is a baby Debrazza monkey, Gus, who just turned a year old. I love to visit the babies at the zoo. I've seen nursing elephants, river otters, and Gus with his mama, Brooke. There are also 3 lion cubs who were born just before Scarlett last September who are just moving on from their mamas milk. Yesterday, Gus was like a typical baby toddler. He sucked on his mamas long, tired nipples before running at full speed around their habitat. Then he returned to her for another sip. Brooke & I shared a long moment of eye contact and I can only hope that she knew that I was empathizing with her. I've been there. 

Scarlett's a great nurser, just like her brother was (for 27 months).  I hope she & I can make it to two years. She is completely different than he was, except in that they are both all night nursers & snackers throughout the day. I'm always available and my nipples may as well be as easily accessed under my fur, just like the mama Debrazza. The difference is that Scarlett has two teeth that came in at 3 months & she bites down on my nipples frequently. Jude got the same two bottom teeth at 5 months, but he never bit me. I nursed him until all 20 of his teeth came in, but biting was never an issue. Scarlett will chomp down for leverage while squeezing out a toot or a poop. Just thinking about it makes my nipples sore. 

But, she's so worth it. They both are. 

Just like Brooke, I'll hang out with my nipples available for whenever they're needed. Because it won't be forever. They'll grow up too fast as it is.