2012 in review

Christmas morning I felt like I received everything I needed for next year: a new Jade yoga mat & a meditation bell from Tibet. Aaah.
Reflecting on this passing year there are three things that have been a constant theme. One is family. Always family. I cherish every precious moment I've spent with my little elf who started this year at just one year old and then yesterday celebrated his 31 month milestone. (My little moon baby: born under a full moon + yesterday was a full moon = a sassy week in our house)
Our little family moved TWICE this year and we're now getting settled into our first home that we own. Yes, it's out here in the suburbs... but that was the one compromise alongside a HUGE list of pro's. A safe neighborhood with sidewalks, a creek to explore, 10 kids on this cul de sac for Jude to play with, really nice and welcoming neighbors, no above ground power lines, four + huge bedrooms, an immense yard, garage, attic, craft room, guest room that is right now serving as a meditation room, two fireplaces... I could go on. This place is a freakin castle. It's a lot to take in. And I'm still taking it in. But, I'm trying to be patient with myself.
My bigger family also had a huge year of transitions, and LOTS of moving. My parents settled into a Portland home (YAY!) and my sister moved back from Austin with her partner (yayayayayayyyayayay) There's a lot more to say, but my point is that I have spent a lot of energy on my family this year. I wouldn't have it any other way. And this Christmas was the best ever because we were all together. Like, major LOVEFEST!!!!
Two: Yoga.
Yoga has been a part of my life for over a decade. I started this year with a New Year's Day practice at HeartSong studio out here in Beaverton advertised as a "SUN Salute-a-Thon". This practice consisted only of 108 Sun Salutations.
And I just signed up again for this Tuesday. BAM.
Early on in 2012 I had my heart set on finding a RYT200 training to become a certified Yoga Instructor. I spent time at Yoga Bhoga, my now favorite yoga studio, and I took a couple of classes at the Yoga Space. I didn't know how the hell I would pay for the approximately $3000 training, but I figured that would work itself out. I met Michelle Leow, who owns the Yoga Space and runs the training offered there, at her class one night in February, and literally THE NEXT MORNING we got the news that we had 30 days to move out of our rental home in Beaverton where we had lived for 5+ years.
So, my energy shifted to taking care of these pressing priorities.
As a compromise, I signed up for the week long "Yoga Calm" intensive training held last June at the Edgefield resort in Gresham. I decided to move into the hotel for a week and take a "vacation from my problems" a la Bob Wiley. This training is for a program to teach and incorporate yoga in public schools. As I am a licensed Elementary teacher it really combined my two passions: teaching + yoga. Literally the day after this training ended was moving day (#2 for the year) and we spent the weekend moving from the apartment, where we had lived for 3 months while house hunting, into our new home.
So, yeah. Yoga helped me with all of the stresses and transitions of this year. I met many great instructors and students. I'm still really hard on myself during my practice, but my new goal is to be NICER to myself. Geez. I'm so mean to myself up there in my head.
This is basically my resolution for next year: to be less of a brat. Mainly with myself. But, also with my husband.
I'm learning some new strategies that will hopefully help me treat myself with more Compassion, Love, Understanding, and Patience from the third theme of my 2012....
BOOKS.
My BFF, Emily, and I successfully formed a book club this year. It's evolved over the past 12 months and is now made up of about 8 really spectacular ladies.
Along with this project, I decided to keep track of all the books I start & finish this year.
As of today, December 29th, I have started 81 books and finished 59 of them.
In my next post, I'll list all of those out in case you're interested.

So, I have to shift my focus from those things that I DIDN'T do this year and instead choose to celebrate what I did. It's so easy (and comfortable?) to beat myself up for that which I have not yet accomplished. But, to stay in that mindset means that I'm really missing out. I'm missing out on my life when I get wrapped up in those thoughts.

I want to live my life.

So, maybe I'm not what I COULD be, maybe I'm not what I SHOULD be. But, I am a whole helluva lot better than I used to be.

And I'm excited for whatever may come.

PREGNANCY:
When my Yoga practice really went to the next level.

Let it Go II

Totally meditated my "letting go of thought" meditation yesterday for a few minutes before I wrapped Christmas presents. I wanted the wrapping to be a mindful experience, free of stress.

Success.

Thanks for your help, Miles.

Let it Go

I'm taking the time to meditate about once every three days. This isn't the daily practice I wish for myself, but in the spirit of being nice to myself I am focusing on the fact that this is a step in the right direction. I'll get there. My Uncle Cliff has a saying, "Maybe I'm not what I could be, maybe I'm not what I should be, but one thing's for damn sure... I'm better than I used to be."

One meditation that I am finding helpful is on a Sharon Salzberg CD, "Meditations for Love and Wisdom" and it is a short "Meditation on Letting Go". I can't tell you how many times I've heard instructors say, "let it go" in yoga classes. "just let it go", "if thoughts come by, just let them go". Like it's that easy. Is it really that easy for some people? You can just wish thoughts and issues away?
In my head, I'm screaming, "HOW?!" Give me some direction! I want to let SO much go. So.... HOW do I go about this?
This little meditation is pointing me in the right direction. It's just a practice. Practice doesn't make perfect - it makes... practice. It's a practice for life. So, in this meditation you just focus on your breath. And you say, "breath". In "breath" out "breath". Thoughts arise and - here's the magical secret - it's "not the breath". Whatever it is, it's not the breath. So, you let it go and don't attach to it and return to identifying "breath". It's just a practice of focusing your attention.
I feel like I sound like a crazy person, trying to explain this to you. Yesterday, I found myself cutting up vegetables for dinner and saying to myself, "it's not the zucchini" or "it's not the sweet pepper" and (maybe I am a crazy person) but I felt my attention truly more focused on the task at hand and I could even SEE more clearly.

LML = Love my Life

I was kind of kicking myself earlier because I fell off the meditation wagon.
Instead of continuing to kick myself, I came home after a busy day of outings and stopped mid-chores to sit down and meditate.

If you are one of the 3 people who read this (hi Miles, Emily & Jamie!) you know that I'm currently writing about the 21 day Deepak Chopra meditation challenge that I extended to my UC 45 day challenge. I have no idea what day I'm on at this moment...
The day after the challenge I felt anxious because I wanted to keep my meditation practice going, but the DC challenge was "officially" over. Every day of the challenge I would get an inspirational email and a link to a 15 minute guided meditation. Deepak would speak to me in his beautiful voice, inspire me and then soothing music would play while Deepak "minded the time". A little bell would sound when the time was over and Deepak would leave me with some closing thoughts and a Namaste.
So, yeah, day 22 I was nervous - what was I going to do without him! (No, I don't have "abandonment issues" from my childhood!)
(yes I do)

Spoiler Alert: Deepak sent a bonus meditation for day 22.

I kept my meditations going by signing into the challenge and listening to the recordings from the challenge. Except each one expired 10 days after it was posted! So, I lost access to them on day 32.

Anyways, I don't want to bore you with all these details. I got a bunch of meditation CDs that I'll try from my library. Today I listened to a "Meditation on Seeing the Good" by Sharon Salzman. I just rested on the floor and listened to her voice & reflected on the fact that all people want to be happy - may they be happy.

Then I wanted to write about how great today was.
1. I communicated with a Grandma Orangutan at the zoo this morning. We had an impromptu play date with friends. This orangutan was right next to the glass communicating with these little children. So I bent down and talked to her. My face was probably four inches away from her face. And she spoke back to me with her eyes. I totally had butterflies because animals do make me nervous. Then Jude popped up and put his face even closer to hers and said "Hi! Hi! Hi!" without any trepidation whatsoever.
2. Jude & his friend Logan were so adorable together. Over our snack time they played a game where they took turns poking each other while saying "poke!". They rubbed noses multiple times and even kissed once or twice. I kind of felt like her mom & I were chaperoning a toddler date. But I was cracking up.
3. I got back on the meditation wagon.

These people came into my "reflecting on the good in people" meditation today because there is SO much good in them. My sister Rachel & her husband, Yoda.

Day 20

The last day of the Deepak Chopra meditation challenge is tomorrow! No way. I am loving this so much, I am extending my personal challenge out to the magical number of.... wait for it...

45 days.

Bam.

To be continued.

I expect & accept Abundance to flow easily to me...

Day 11

Hmmm, am I posting today because 11 is my super favorite number?? I wonder...

I'm a little bit sad because I'm more than halfway through the 21 day challenge. Only 10 days left. I think around day 09 I was more like, "Ack, this is taking forever!!!" And now, here I am. :)
Taking this time daily is benefiting my life in huge ways. My inner life, anyway, and I'm sure my outer "self" as well. Just having a mantra, a focusing thought, SOMETHING positive to turn to when I find myself dangerously close to being caught in a negative thought web... this is a priceless tool. It reminds me of years ago, when I was 23, and I started taking antidepressants. They helped me at the time because I could step outside of my head and RECOGNIZE "HEY! This is a super negative thought whirlpool that you are being sucked into!!" There is another way...

And I much prefer meditation to icky addictive antiD's. Blech.

So, I just got done with my meditation and even threw in some yoga to boot. HA! Because my kiddo is taking a nap. Sweet, sweet boy.

Lately he says, "I'm big to do this!" "Hey mommy, I'm big to do these stairs all by myself!" etc...
He's big enough. He sees himself as a big boy and different from , and not, a baby. We even looked through photo albums this morning, as we often do, "Hey mommy! You hold me when I was a baby." When I was a baby.... Sigh. He still smells so damn good to me. Do all children smell like sweet sweet cupcakes to their mom??? I could inhale him all day long. And I do.

I'm so lucky.
Blessed.

Highlights from our walk to the park:
1. Looking at his little face poking through a cut out in the tunnel. Squishy little face. Beautiful teeth. Perfect nose. Again - that delicious smell. We ugga-mugga and our noses shock each other. A look of surprise on both our faces. Laughter. We try it again. No shock this time. But, oh dear God, that face.
2. Eating a snack on the bench. He wants to eat the apple like I do. He takes a bite and hands it back to me. So proud of himself. So am I. I take a bite and almost throw up in my mouth because there is Cheeze-It cracker residue in my mouth mixed with the apple. But I hide it well. Blech. It only happens one more time.
3. We play "ninja turtles" "hide and go seek" "billy goats gruff" and "3 little pigs" Big boy indeed.
We play 3 pigs, and I am the big bad wolf. He hides behind a fence - his house - I knock and go through the routine. A few times through pass, again. I say, "Little pig, little pig let me come in!!!" He says "Sure!" Opens the door and lets me in. If only you could hear his little voice say, "Sure!" I don't know how to explain the positivity, joy, sparkle love for life that he captures in this one syllable.
My boy.
My amazing little boy.
My big boy.
There are explosions of golden light sunbeams of JOY to be found in my days.
Countless.

Does anything else even matter?

Day 5

Doing good! Keeping up with my meditation daily.
Day 3 & 4 I meditated in the evening after my husband got home. I'm finding it really helpful to listen to the daily recordings & I love that they're delivered to my email each morning.
Also on day 3 & 4 I listened to partial recordings in my car. Yesterday I was sitting in a parking lot with one 2.5 year old boy and another 5.75 year old boy. We had some time to kill, so I just let them talk amongst themselves while I closed my eyes and listened to Deepak. It was a good choice for me, because I was on the verge of become frustrated...
But, I loved my nephew's take on the recording:
"Digital Copy!!"
"Deepak Chopra? That is French for digital copy."
"I don't want to listen to this French guy."

So, today I took my meditation time while my son actually took a real nap in his bed! (After we read 11 books together.) I had a really great beach visualization/exploration. And it was funny because the second my meditation was up & the recording was coming to a close, my phone vibrated because a friend called, and my husband walked in the door - home from work.
Back to reality.

But it was perfect.

Day 2

Today I snagged another meditation first thing in the morning... and put my boy in front of the TV to watch WonderPets - again. I don't like doing this & I need to find another way.

I actually listened to the meditation for today. The Deepak Chopra center has a recorded 15 minute meditation for each day of the 21 day challenge. I get an email each morning with access to today's meditation. Our mantra for today was "My personal abundance comes from an infinite source". Or something along those lines.

I don't know how many times I came back to this focusing thought throughout my day. At first, it took brain power to even remember the wording of this mantra. That in itself was a practice. I found repeating this sentence to myself especially helpful when my inner monologue started to turn sour; negative or when thoughts and feelings of anxiety started to come up. I used this sentence "My personal abundance comes from an infinite source" as a substitute for these other, unwanted, thoughts. So, I find that practice really useful. If I don't like the direction my thoughts are taking, I can choose to think about something else. And having this daily focus provides me with that "something". Something that is positive, affirming, and a thought to ponder.

21 Day Meditation Challenge

I'm starting a 21 day Meditation Challenge through the Deepak Chopra center. It's an online challenge that my husband and I are doing together.

So, if you've noticed, I didn't finish blogging about my 45 day Gratitude experiment. Yeah.... I'm not so good at keeping up on my blog. What it comes down to is that my life centers around my Family. My little family & my big family. My birth family & my chosen family. I am super duper blessed when it comes to my family. I'm surrounded with love & support at all times, and when I need to reach out for help I've got several people that I can call. This is what I'm most grateful for above all else. So, that's how I'm going to wrap up that project. Don't judge me.

Back to the present....

This morning was day 1 of our challenge.
I snuck in a few breaths while I was giving my son a bubble bath. I sat in the hallway and probably got 5 breaths in before I heard "Mooom?" "Where are you?" Sitting in the hallway... "What are you doing?" Meditating... "Why?"
But, even after a few breaths I felt that warm, calming sensation start down my body. Just a little more present. A little calmer. A little more relaxed. A little bit more like myself.
We finished our bath, got dressed, and I set him up with a cartoon. (Again, don't judge.) I sat and breathed for 10 minutes. I didn't time myself, I just sat until I felt like I was done for now. My attention was everywhere - tasks I'd get to, tasks I'd done, people I want to help, things I want to do, the sound of the fridge running, the washer running, the garbage truck, the WonderPets theme song etc...
Don't judge yourself, Becky. And I don't think I did. From what I've learned the PRACTICE is bringing your thoughts Back. Back to the breath. Back to a mantra. Back to a vision. Always bringing it back. Letting the thoughts come and go without attaching to them.
So, for me, these things are helpful.
1. My Mantra
"I am strong (I am powerful) I am worthy"
These are things I need to tell myself. Things I don't always believe, but things I want to believe about myself. It's really just - Breathe in: I am strong, Breathe out: I am worthy. Somehow, I always think "I am powerful" in there to. So, it is what it is.
2. The Ocean
Some say "let your thoughts pass by like clouds in the sky" But, I'm a water baby. I think I'd be happiest rolling around in the sand on the beach for days. So I bring myself back to my breath, breathing in: the wave approaches the shore. Breathing out: the wave recedes. Repeat.
I love that this is always happening. 24 hours a day. Who knows how many waves reach the shore in  a day? It's always there. Constant. Beautiful. I find comfort in that. I can go there - even when I'm not there. It's there.

Does that make sense? Probably not.
But, it makes sense to me.

I hope I keep up on this blog.
More importantly, I'm excited for the challenge of finding time to meditate each day.

After I meditated, I read the email about what our focus is for today.
"I am"
We're focusing on abundance. That there is more than enough for all of us. More than enough time, resources, money, love. It all exists in the universe. The universe will provide for us. We just have to trust it.
Have faith.

Um, Hellz-to-the-Yeah I've got an abundance of Love.

And punkins.

 

Bibliophilia

(Day 19)

I'm a reader.
Always have been, always will be.

My mother often tells me the story of a toddler Becky. At bedtime this little munchkin would climb the stairs to her room and return with a book to place at the bottom of the stairs. Then she'd climb back up for another. Repeat. When she had a stack of books to read, she'd fall asleep from exhaustion.

From the time I was 7 or 8 I'd stay up way too late reading by flashlight under my covers. Is this why my eyesight is starting to go? One reason for this is because I've always been a night owl. But, another is that when I'm into a book I can. not. put. it. down. I MUST find out what happens. To this day I will devour a great book in 1 to 2 days.

I'm trying to slow down. I don't want to consume these books so fast. I want to savor their words, the characters, the plot lines, the beauty, the emotion, the philosophical implications - all of it. But, I just tear through them. I'm like a book junkie. And, sometimes when I've sacrificed sleep for reading - I really do suffer the next day - like a hangover.

During my decade long college experience most of what I read was either assigned or textbooks. This was kind of true during high school as well. It was hard to find the time to read for pleasure because when I wasn't working, in class, partying, socializing, or exploring my independence in other ways - I was frantically doing my homework and trying to stay up on my reading for class.

Ugh. I could have read so many good books during that time!!!

Ahh, and then I decided to become an Elementary School Teacher and I got to rekindle my love for quality children's literature. This may be my favorite genre. The beauty of the children's story, the underlying deeper meanings and the ARTWORK - it's a trifecta of perfection.

Then I got pregnant and had a baby. I read a ton of birthing books, parenting books, etc etc etc. Now my little boy and I get to read all those great kids books together. He probably has more books than his Daddy and I do together. There are STACKS of his books in every room of our house.

I love it.

But, this year - THIS year. Ha ha ha. My best friend Emily has helped me reclaim my fame as a voracious reader. I am reading at night when I should be asleep. I park and read in my Jeep when Jude falls asleep. I read every chance I get. In January we formed our first book club - which I aptly named the "Randy Readers". I also decided to keep track of the books I start and finish. So far in 2012 I've started 58 & finished 40 of them. Pretty good, I think. Pretty, pretty good.

I'm just grateful for books. For authors. For illustrators. These books change my life. They shift my perspective. They make me think. They make me cry. They touch my soul. They make me look at the world in a different way. They challenge the status quo. They challenge me. They get me riled up. They make me laugh. They turn me on. They piss me off. They make me feel. I'm grateful for my parents for reading to me. I'm grateful for everyone who encouraged me to read. I'm grateful for those who put good books into my hands. I'm grateful for book stores. I'm grateful for libraries.

I'm in love with books.

Here's me graduating with my Master's - 3 years ago! I look like such a dork.

But, I couldn't have done it without the books!

This is the "Master's Degree Barbie" cake my mom made for me. She is the coolest. (Both the Barbie and my Mom)

So much Gratitude, So little time

Yeeeeah, sorry. Somehow I fast forwarded a week. It's just been hard to make the time to blog lately, I guess. However, I am still focusing on gratitude daily. This one will be short, because  I should actually be going to sleep right now... I just was having trouble falling asleep & want to get this done. 18 days doesn't seem like a long time, but I'm finding it easier and very helpful to focus on what I'm grateful for and positivity in general. :)

Monday (12)
Um, I don't know what day I found this out to be honest, but I'll plug it in here. Our new neighborhood doesn't have power lines! I find this very exciting. We were chatting outside with one of our very nice neighbors who pointed this out to us. I looked around and couldn't believe I hadn't noticed this! They're all buried, which means, no ugly cables connected to the houses, running through tree branches and no big ugly poles. It's just very pretty. I've often noticed the existence of power lines and their ugliness. And in their absence, I was completely unaware. Just interesting in a "focus on the positive vs. negative" framework. Anyways, I'm grateful for this!

Tuesday (13)
Ha, I was having a hard time thinking of something for this day and then I remembered that I went to the DENTIST and got my teeth cleaned! I'm grateful for so much. First of all, my husband has amazing coverage for all of us through his work: MUCH gratitude! Secondly, my dentist is the daughter of my former dentist, who I saw for as long as I can remember. I love her. She has a practice with her husband in the city and I love the family feel of it all. She is just great and has really helped me have good oral hygiene over the past year. She had the cutest preggo belly when I first met her, and now her daughter's a year old - I can't believe it. Plus, I had such a great hygienist clean my teeth (the past couple of times I had a girl who I was not crazy about). This woman was a joy and we had a great conversation (when my mouth wasn't occupied) about family, motherhood, children, and careers.

Wednesday (14)
I took a walk with Jude on this evening, and he fell asleep after about 25 minutes. So I walked another 20 minutes. I'm grateful for this time together. Especially this particular time when he's in between babyhood and little boyhood. He's asserting his independence in so many ways, yet he's still my little baby. Not too big to fall asleep in the stroller on a walk. I'm so grateful for every little moment together. (see below for a picture of my little baby/boy)

Thursday (15)
Today we took my mom on a date to the zoo. Within this little outing there's so much to be grateful for. I love having a zoo membership for one and being able to spend an hour there, or an entire day. I love watching Jude enjoy the animals, the train, running around, and eating a delicious lollipop that my mom bought for him. Little blue tongued baby fell asleep on the way home with this sticky treat still in his grasp. And, as always, spending time with my mom. Just the best.

Friday (16)
Friday is payday. It's gotta be acknowledged. I'm so grateful that my husband has a good job and works hard to provide for our needs and pay for the bills. I'm extremely grateful.

Saturday (17)
Today was an impromptu hangout day with my mom, dad, sister, brother in law, nephew, other sister, her boyfriend, and my husband and son. Gotta love that. I'm grateful for letting plans GO and enjoying what may come. It was relaxing, simple and joyful.

Sunday (18)
Aaaaaah, and that brings me to today. Sleeping in - gratitude #1. Another yoga class with my favorite teacher and two of my friends to boot! I'm trying to go every Sunday. Taking care of my family, #3.

Life is so good. So damn good.

Days 8, 9, 10 and 11??

I think....

Now I'm getting really behind. But, if memory serves me correctly...

Day 8 (was... Thursday?)
Thursday, Thursday, what did we do on Thursday? OH YEAH. Today we went to the zoo with my nephew, Eli & my brother in law, Joe. These two guys, I am SO grateful for the both of them. Eli is just the light of my life, he is like a brother to Jude, and he is really helping to shape Jude with a world view that is full of JOY, laughter, and funny funny funny stuff. Joe is just such a good guy, he is one of my favorite people to talk to, he's a really good dad, and he loves my sister. A LOT. What more could I ask for???


Day 9 (Friday)
Tonight Miles and I actually went on a date. AT night time, in the DARK. This was our first date, that wasn't an early evening or afternoon date, in TWO years. Prior to this, we always had the bedtime & breastfeeding issues to deal with. I'd left Jude with Miles to go out on less than a handful of special occasions, but tonight we went out TOGETHER! And it was SO fun. We met up with some other friends to go out to celebrate my bf's birthday - had dinner at a fancy restaurant, saw a drag show, had drinks and came home IN THE DARK. I'm grateful for a lot of things: 1. My sister, Rachel for babysitting and having a date with Jude, 2. Good people to go out for, and 3. Drag queens who put on an AMAZING show. I guess I'm just grateful for the opportunity to go out, have fun, and laugh!


Day 10 (Saturday)
Today was my best friend, Emily's, 30th birthday party! I want to express my gratitude to not only her, but also her husband, Pat. They are both such good friends to me & Miles... and also Jude. I love spending time with them. They are such a unique couple, very generous individuals, and although we differ on some aspects of our lives, they are always accepting, open minded, and just a hell of a lot of fun to be around. I'm extremely grateful they are in my life.

Day 11 (Sunday)
Today I am most definitely grateful for Yoga. I have tried to focus a lot of my attention on my yoga practice during this year (2012). I started off January 1st by participating in a practice of "108 Sun Salutations" that a studio offered for free. (Love the free part!) I had my mind set on taking a teacher's training to become certified this year, but events happened and I went a different way. In June I did take the "Yoga Calm" intensive training. Yoga Calm is a program developed at PSU that is designed to teach yoga to kids in public schools, by teachers, specialists, or counselors - mostly. It focuses not only on a physical practice, but also social-emotional intelligence and building community. That was AMAZING, and I'm so glad I did it. Since June though, my practice has not been a high priority in my life. I think I've attended 3 or 4 classes since then.
But, today I returned to one of my very favorite instructors for a Yin practice. Aaaaahhhh I'm so glad I did. For me, yoga is therapy more than a physical workout. I'm drawn to the more restorative classes that focus on de-stressing and loving on the spine. (and hips, shoulders, and all those emotions that come up.)

I guess I could try to be "better" and blog daily..,. but I actually feel pretty good about how this project is going. Friday I woke up in THE BEST mood. Like, I just hopped out of bed feeling happy with where I'm at, who I am, and looking forward to the day. I aspire to wake up in this mood EVERY day! Wouldn't that be nice??? I'm going to attribute at least part of this to my Gratitude Project, because my goal is to shift my perspective to a more positive one.

Happy Birthday, Emily! Me & Jude at the zoo with Em,

Wats, & Audrey last week. (We go there a lot.) :)

 

 

Days 5, 6 and 7!

Ack! I'm getting behind!!! That's okay. I've been thinking constantly about gratitude, and a big part of this project is to STOP being so hard on myself.

:)

Day 5 (Monday)
Today, I'm grateful for my neighbors. We bought a house two months ago and moved into this neighborhood where everyone is SO nice to us. Seriously, I could not have asked for better neighbors. Today we had a BBQ out in our double cul-de-sac to celebrate the last day of summer before the neighborhood kids went off to school. These families have been very welcoming to us, they have given us toys, furniture, and even fixed my Jeep. Jude plays out front with all the kids. It's pretty amazing. I'm grateful that I feel safe, and have a connection with my community.

Day 6 (Tuesday)
Jude & I took a walk for an hour today in the Nature Park. I am really grateful for our parks & rec district. When we were house hunting I really did not want to move out of our parks district because I love the rec centers, the affordable classes, pools, and numerous parks that have a strong focus on protecting the environment & exploring nature. Jude has always been my nature baby - he loves being outdoors.

Day 7 (Today)
I could write a very long book about how grateful I am for my mom. (I think I should, actually, and I might someday). Jude and I spent the afternoon with her today. We are just chilling at her new house right now. I'm grateful that she moved closer to us. I'm grateful that she & Bob are getting settled in Portland and that she's starting a job closer to her new home. I love the way that Jude looks at her with a huge smile on his face. I love that he runs to her with open arms and gives her hugs & kisses. She was truly the best mother to me and my siblings growing up, she STILL is - and she is the most beautiful, loving, open Grandma. I love that I gave her a grandson to spoil with snuggles, stories, songs, and love. I'm grateful that I spent today with her, and I'm grateful for every day that we get to spend together.

"Gwamma & Grampa Bob"

Best parents & Even better G-parents.

Thank you, Funny People

Day 4 (Yesterday)

So, the hub & I went on a little date to see "The Campaign". I seriously love just zoning out to a really funny movie, and laughing at ridiculously inappropriate things. Whenever I find myself taking life too seriously, I should just pop in "Anchorman" or "The 40 Year Old Virgin". It really puts things in perspective for me.

I'm grateful for comedy, rom-coms, and laughter.
I'm also grateful for my sister & brother in law for taking care of our little man so we can take a break to reconnect. It can be hard to find the time...

Extreme Gratitude: Breastfeeding

Day 3

If you think about it, breastfeeding is just absolutely amazing in itself. Mothers are the true superheroes. We can grow humans within our own bodies, birth them into the world, and CONTINUE to provide all of their growing needs with milk from our breasts. Thank you, Mother Nature.

I am so extremely grateful to my own mother for breastfeeding me - for 2 years. I'm grateful that she breastfed my three younger sisters for  2-3 years each. She provided me with this example of what it means to care for children in this way. Breastfeeding not only provides all the nutritional needs babies need physically, but also the attachment & bonding needs that we have as human animals. Thank you, Mom. Thank you for making this my knowledge of what is normal, healthy, and so so beautiful.

When I even began considering to have a child, this was my norm. I always said, "I'll breastfeed my baby for 2 years." Because my own mom did this - she is beyond amazing - and I strive to be as good of a mom as she is.

I know that many women have challenges when it comes to breastfeeding, and I know that I was very, very lucky. I was able to birth my child naturally, vaginally, without pain medication, and I was able to breastfeed him within minutes of giving birth. These were ideal circumstances, at least in my vision of what is ideal.

Not that everything came easy. It hurt tremendously when my baby nursed on my left nipple. I think this was because my mom tweaked the nip SO HARD earlier on when we were trying to get labor moving along with some nipple stimulation. (She's a Labor & Delivery nurse, so this is not as creepy as it may sound.) I had to work to get a comfortable position for feeding & latching on. The "football" hold was my go-to position early on. I never knew such a thing existed until the nurse at the hospital introduced me to it! I also experienced a lot of pain from hunching over & nursing with bad posture. Like, pain that led me to tears. A friend of mine lent me her "breast-friend" nursing pillow, and a boppy would also do the trick. This "breast-friend" was truly a godsend. It is a weird contraption that you buckle around your body & it's like a little shelf that you rest your infant on while you nurse. Bizarre. But, SO helpful. A couple of months in I had a crazy fever and I assumed I had the flu. I was burning up, but also suffering from chills at the same time. I was wrapping myself in blankets in the middle of the summer. I did not realize that this was MASTITIS until I called my doctor & the advice nurse asked me if my breasts were painful. Yes, my left one was and I didn't even make the connection. Honestly, I didn't even know what Mastitis was. I had heard of "breast infections" but I was a bit ignorant, I guess. And, when it came to pumping; I never got more than 2oz at a time, and I worked as a substitute teacher - which was not ideal at all for trying to pump on the job.

But, as I look back, I have very fond & positive feelings about the whole breastfeeding experience. My baby was always hungry & I was always willing to feed him. Day or night. He grew splendidly. He never had an ear infection. He was sick maybe twice in the first year. He had the happiest demeanor I could have ever hoped for, and he was very easy going. We were very easy going with each other. I had no qualms about breastfeeding him in public. I never heard a negative comment from anyone - if there were dirty looks, I never noticed them. I'm thankful that my husband was completely supportive of my choices to breastfeed, to breastfeed for 2 years, to breastfeed in public, and I had his full support in all of my opinions and wants for parenting. I'm just following my instincts, and when I question myself he brings me back to my instincts. That's probably the toughest thing about being a first time parent. There are so many "experts" and professional opinions that you don't know who to listen to. I felt like I've never done this before, other people probably know better than I do, and I second guess myself quite often. I tend to go back & forth, but ultimately I always come back to my "gut" feelings.

Looking back over the last 27 months, I have so many sweet memories of breastfeeding. His little eyes looking up at me with complete trust, safety & love. Breastfeeding at weddings, the pumpkin patch, the zoo train, on picnic tables (which are the PERFECT height for breastfeeding!), in the middle of the night, for hours in the morning, in our rocker, eating with one hand, doing lots of things with one hand, slowing down to simply soak up those moments, on airplanes, even once in the car on the road (I wasn't driving & he was never unbuckled).

Today is the third day that he's had no "Na-Nas". I'm so proud of him & I feel like I waited until the right time. Day 1, he was upset with me for a few minutes at nap time. Day 2 he was INCREDIBLY pissed at 6:30 AM. But, this morning he woke up, asked to hold the Na-Nas, looked at me and said,
"I'm not sad." What?!?! My kid is so smart.

Hopefully I'm not speaking too soon on the matter. But, I feel like we're going to be just fine.

Thank you, Na-Nas.

Day 2: Toddler Musings

I am very grateful for my 2 year old's amazing vocabulary and verbal skills. Really.
Maybe it's because I read to him, sing to him, and talk to him ALL the time. I like to think it's because he adores his 5-year-old cousin, Elijah, whose verbal skills have always been exemplary.
Whatever the reason, my kid can talk! I don't even know where to begin when it comes to examples of his cute conversational skills.

But, I'm grateful for his communication skills for a couple of reasons:

1. It's adorable. I love to hear his perspective on the world. For example, when he wants to roam around shirtless he'll say "Can I wear my belly?" or when he prefers to be au naturale; "Can I be with my penis?"

2. It is super helpful that we can communicate & negotiate with each other. Like, this week I decided that I am ready to commit to ending our nursing relationship (at 27 months). During those tough moments when he's tearfully asking me, "Can I have na-nas? Can I drink your na-nas?" and I have to tell him no, he'll ask for his idea of the next best thing, "Can I hold them? Can I hold this one?"

3. Speaking well is a great skill to have. I hope it's mostly a natural talent & that it sticks with him for life. Mostly because I feel like a mumbling, bumbling fool most of the time when I'm speaking. I hope he remains a confidant communicator for life.

The most smartest kids around.

New Project - Practicing Gratitude

Day 1

It's been a stressful year. Mainly because we've moved twice. The first time wasn't our choice, but it was the catalyst that led us into homeownership. Looking back I can see that YES it's true... Everything Happens for a Reason. It'd be nice if "everything" wasn't so dang stressful at times. But, I guess life would be boring if everything were easy?? That's the rumour anyway...

Stress affects people differently. I fantasize that there are people out there who have it figured out; they have mastered the art of letting go, they don't sweat the small stuff. Truthfully, I fantasize that everyone has it all figured out except for me.

I know it's not true. Sometimes I think I'm insane... but I'm working on it.

When I experience stress I get very anxious, I get in my head, it's hard for me to share what I'm feeling with others, I isolate myself, I obsess about everything, I worry, and my f*ing shoulders ache so badly that I could cry.

Fun, huh?!

My point is that this is how I've felt for at least 6 months - and I'm sick of it.
I need to shift my perspective.
Life is too good to be spending my energy on all of this negativity.


In an effort to aide this shift in my attitude, I'm going back to this blog to keep me focused for 45 days and to hold me accountable. This is an effort to spend a few moments every day focusing on the bounty of things that I am grateful for in my life.

Enjoy.

Today I'm grateful for the harvest that is finding its way to our door! At our housewarming party last weekend Pat brought us onions, Nicole brought us peaches, tomatoes, blackberries and jam, my neighbor Kris has given us tomatoes and today, grapes. YUM!

I'm sure there are more but I've got to put a toddler down for a nap at this moment! Thank you for filling our bellies and warming my spirit.

What I'm really truly grateful for. Jude

helping Daddy on the new house.