Day 9

Jude at the breakfast table, "when I grow up I'm going to name my babies Eli and the other one (long pause while staring out the window) Treesap!" 

I can't wait to meet my grandkids. :) 

Scarlett found her first electric cord today. Yay! 

Day 8

Life is messy. 

Having a baby is such a great reminder of this. Too often I find myself wanting everything to be neat & tidy. Probably a lot if us have this unrealistic expectation that our house should always be clean, our kitchens disinfected, our gardens growing in perfect little rows, our children's fingernails clean & trimmed, and everything looking perfect on the outside. 

I think sharing on social media just exacerbates this because Of Course we only share photos of ourselves/children/homes/lives at our best. 

But, Life Is Messy. It's so messy! Nature doesn't give a fuck about cleanliness! It thrives in the natural glory of mold, dirt, disasters, decomposition, death, birth, and beautiful Messy life. 

Have you ever witnessed birth??? I have! Even in a sterile, clean, antibacterial hospital - life begins with a SpLoOsh of bodily fluids, shit, smells, Everything!!! It's beautiful life, baby! 

Have you ever raised children?! We're all doing it, people! You will be peed on, go about your day with spit up all over you, maybe catch some vomit in your mouth, definitely catch some in your hands, you will be covered in dirt, blood, snot, and hopefully glitter once in a while. 

My sweet baby girl loves to feed herself and instead of even attempting to avoid an after-dinner bath, I'm handing over the bowl of bananas. She loves it. And it reminds me that life is a glorious, pulsing, growing, breathing, big fucking mess. 

Yes, I like my house to be tidy. 

But I'm choosing to embrace the stickiness. It's life. It's the only one we get. 

This one - my teacher

This one - my guru 

This one - my zen master 

And this one - I'm learning as I go 

Day 7

I've been a mother of two for six months. I just have to acknowledge that this is really hard. It's challenging beyond words at times. This has been a challenging week for me. When I think about how hard it is, my mind immediately goes to how much harder other people have it. I know, I KNOW that I have it good. But, it's still exhausting & exasperating. 

Every day I'm expending so much energy that I have moments where I find myself pausing and I could just collapse on the ground, no matter where I am. But somehow I keep standing. 

And that's all the time I have for now, folks. 

Day 6

She loves to eat! 

So far we've tried baby oatmeal, bananas, potatoes, carrots, parsnips, apples, pears, mangoes, broccoli, rice rusks, and whole wheat toast. She prefers to feed herself, thank you very much. 

6 months tomorrow - I can't believe it. 

Today she also tasted dirt, grass, and pine needles. 

She has also swallowed AND passed paper and a small piece of tinsel. :( 

Na-na's remain her favorite - at least that's what I choose to believe. 

Day 5

My kids are the best because... 

Scarlett loves watching me lip sing to Pearl Jam & dance around the kitchen. This makes me sing, dance & listen to Pearl Jam more. She's on her belly watching me with her too sweet smile, kicking her dancy feet. 

Jude says, "I need to take a walk." So he & I head out the door - this was last night at 6:45. As soon as we hit the sidewalk he says, " I love walking with you in the evening." He is 3. We walk to the park, swing as high as we can, make new friends, and run all the way home to eat dinner with daddy & Scar by 7:05. 

                   It's what I do. 

Day 4

Meditation: I aspire to do it consistently. Even when I dabble inconsistently, the lessons I can apply to my own life amaze me. 

My kids were asleep in the car again today (shocker). I was sitting in the driveway of my parents house, so I popped in a Pema Chodron CD that I'd borrowed from the library. With the hope & intention that I'd take the time to listen to it & actually meditate. A few minutes into her talk she led a brief meditation. She rang a gong & said "listen to the gong". Then she said "this time listen to the entire sound of the gong until it's done" and rang it again. "And again."

The key to meditation & mindfulness is nonjudgmental awareness. This is simply noticing the noise of the gong, the seemingly endless reverberations, the thoughts that arise, whatever - and letting it just be without attaching a positive or negative label to it. Without naming it "good" or "bad". 

At least this is my understanding of it at this point in my journey. 

Fast forward a few hours when I'm driving the kiddos home from my parents' house and Scarlett is SCREAMING her head off - the entire 20 minutes home. And I'm tense. I'm gripping the steering wheel. I'm resisting the uncomfortableness of hearing my baby girl in distress. I'm fighting. I'm fast forwarding to when I'm home & I can hold her. Immediately soothe her. My whole body is so tight. "Her brother never did this." "Am I doing something wrong?" "Is this my fault?" "She'll grow out of it." And other thoughts. 

Then I realize - her screams are the gong. So I listen. I listen to the sound of an entire scream until it's over. Then I listen to the next one. And again. Repeat. I swear to god, the simple act of listening alone allowed me to hold 80% less tension in my body. I kept listening. I heard the rain hit my car. I heard the soft music on my CD player. And I heard my daughter cry. I heard her. Instead of resisting, fighting, trying to fix it - I just heard her. 

For a few moments. Quite a few moments. It didn't fix it. It didn't end it. I'm not yet sure exactly what it did. 

But it was good practice. 

                    Who, me cry?! 

Day 3

Remember how I told you that Scar Bear bites me while nursing? Well, today she actually drew blood. Has this happened to you? Do you have any tips for me? 

Jude & I had a mommy/Jude date this morning while Scarlett stayed with daddy. We went to a family yoga class that I usually bring both kids to. Afterwards, we met Daddy & Scar out for breakfast. After a few minutes of my angel baby grabbing everything within (and out of) reach at the table, I nursed her a little bit. It was fine, it was Great! And then, zzzzzzzzing! It was definitely the most intense chomp down yet & the pain shot from my nipple through my body. If I were a man, I would have let out a wail that could have been heard for a mile. But, I'm tough, and also aware that I'm in a public space where other people are enjoying a nice brunch. So I gritted my teeth and as gently as I could, de-latched her. The pain didn't subside, so I peeked into my nursing tank and there was actual blood on my nipple pad. 

Not a lot, but fresh, red, tiny blood spots where there is usually just sweet extra milk. I had a vision of my cannibal, blood thirsty baby with fresh blood smeared on her face, hungry for more. But, I have an over active, morbid imagination. 

I did take an ice cube from my water glass and stick in in my nursing tank. That helped, but honestly, my nipple still hurts, now two hours later. 

This is so different from my nursing experience with her brother, who never bit me in 27 months, with all of his teeth.  I'm getting chomped several times a day. I tried shocking her by yelling, "OW!" loudly & she just looked at me with a huge smile & sparkly, happy eyes. We live with a part-time dinosaur so she actually loves loud noises & being startled. 

What's a mommy to do?! 

I did train her to be a pirate so I've no one to blame but myself.