Week One

Day 5: Was, Friday? It must have been. I completed my meditation on a cushion in my bedroom and also practiced yoga. My routine was almost finished when the doorbell rang and two lovely gentlemen arrived with our new king sized mattresses! Holla!

Day 6: Today Deepak led us through a body scan, so I completed this act while lying across my previously mentioned brand spanking new mattresses. Since I have chronic sleep problems and issues, I thought it would be a good opportunity to introduce rest, relaxation, and positive associations with this new space that I will be spending a lot of my time on. We progressively relaxed our body from our feet to our head, then sent warmth and love to any tense areas. Is it something about listening to someone else's voice and following their suggestions that makes this so effective? Because it's not so effective if I try to just do it myself, with an inner direction.

Day 7: Yes! I successfully completed week one of the challenge: meditating every day. No, I do not enter a zen like trance free of distraction. Yes, my mind is busy. "Monkey mind" I believe this may be called? I'm reading this book, "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron (THE book, as my sister Bethany calls it) and I'm taking notes on passages that I find especially relevant to me. One that I keep coming back to is, "We do not meditate in order to become good at meditating." This was kind of a revelation for me. Every challenge I take on, everything that I DO... I want to be good at it. "Good". And I'm wrapping my mind around this new idea: Maybe that's not the point? It seems obvious, that's NOT the point. It's not the point of my life to be "Good". I need not be good all of the f*ing time. So, I'm slowly letting go of this ingrained path and learning to simply experience my life; the good, the bad, and the ugly. The beautiful. The heart wrenching. The painful. The joyous. The intense. The mundane. The whole spectrum.

It's a start.

3, 4, shut the door

Day 3 Meditation + yoga: check. Jude's in the other room watching vintage Goofy (pronounced "Cloofy") cartoons and laughing his head off. It feels so good to twist my spine, I can feel warmth & toxins releasing. I wonder what "Dosha" is dominant for me.

Day 4 RPM, rise, pee, meditate. No yoga yet. However, I am about to have lunch with my beautiful sister & her beautiful girlfriend.

21-Day Meditation Challenge "Perfect Health"

Thank you, Deepak, for coming back into my life! And you even brought Oprah this time. :)
The Chopra Institute has put out another 21 day meditation challenge, this time focusing on "perfect health". Whatever that means - it's different for everybody. I'm centering on the idea of seeking a balance of mind, body & spiritual health. The main areas that I believe I can improve my health is better sleep, consistent yoga, and practicing loving kindness. I'm excited to participate in my second Chopra challenge, and that some of my family members are also trying it out.

Day 1
Yesterday was day 1 of the challenge. Of course, I wanted to get up at 6:00 and meditate. In actuality, I couldn't sleep the night before because I was too busy mentally organizing my garage until 2:00 AM. (Come on, Becky!?) So, I slept in as late as I possibly could and consequently was grumpy and overtired all day. But, after I took a shower and had my little one in the bubble bath, I set a cushion in the bathroom doorway to do my meditation while keeping one eye open on the boy. Naturally, he saw me and said, "I want to meditate too!" I got him a pillow, dried off the bubbles, and we listened together. Not that he sat still for more than 30 seconds, but it was a pretty freakin adorable little 2 year old practice. I had my back against the wall in the hallway, which felt really good to have that support for my posture. It was a good first day. Then last night, I also went to my weekly yoga class - which was fantastic.

Day 2
Here it is, 8:30 AM, and I've successfully meditated and practiced yoga! Bonus: my baby boy is still asleep in bed. Okay, he's almost 3, he's not quite a baby, but as long as I'm living my baby he'll be.
I slept all night, and woke up at 6:40 feeling energetic. This is very unlike me. Especially since we "sprang forward" 2 days ago and it's really 7:30 right now.

Our mantra for today was literally:

"Yum Yum Yum"

If Mama Ain't Happy... Ain't Nobody Happy

Self Care

During my pregnancy with Jude, this woman came into my life who continues to be my mothering inspiration. I met her through my best friend and provided childcare for the youngest of her three sons. It just so happened that she was embarking on a new career as a "Yoga Way to Birth" instructor and would be teaching her first series of classes in perfect timing with our pregnancy and birth adventure. Miles and I took the YWTB classes together and baby Jude and I continued with her "Yoga Way to Motherhood" classes. I know, how lucky am I?!

Her name is Emory and I will forever think of her as my Mom Guru.

I learned so much during this experience and I continue to return to what I learned every day on this parenting journey. One major emphasis was that of self-care. Any effort that you put in to taking care of yourself directly benefits those that you take care of: your family. This can be challenging at times. Especially because my needs and wants are usually the first thing I'm willing to throw out the window during stressful times in my family. But, you can't fight the truth!!!  And this has proven to be an eternal truth.

Self care for me means practicing yoga, spending time with friends and family, indulging in a massage, napping, reading, reading People magazine, taking a bath, eating well and drinking enough water (and tea), and anything that I enjoy and feels like I'm spoiling myself just a little bit.

This month was stressful as all three of us were ill. I was sicker than I have been in years! If I had the luxury I would not have left my bed for 4-to-5 days. I should have let everything go during this time, but I tried to keep up. I tried to power through housework, taking care of Jude, activities, appointments, and Self-Care had not been a priority of mine probably for all of 2013. So, I had to  play catch-up. As soon as I felt well enough I went to a yoga class and then I got a massage.

Now the challenge is to keep this self care as a  conscious priority in my life. I'm signing up for a weekly yoga class near my house so that I can commit to this Me Time that I cherish once a week. And I'm calling on my mom to take care of Jude while I do so. Which she is more than happy to do!

I truly am blessed.

New Mantra: You Got a Good Life

  

You Got a Good Life!

 

 

Lately I find myself impersonating Michael Scott multiple times. Every single day. Do you know the Office episode where Michael is "Prison Mike"?? Prison Mike  ends up trying to convince the office employees that life in the office is better than life in prison. At one point, he looks like he's near tears, choking up, and breathily says, "You got a good life!"  This  may be my all time favorite episode. I'm sorry, but the Office is just not the same without Steve Carell. I still watch it faithfully, of course. But, I miss the hell out of Michael Scott. There is no replacement.

 

Every time I say this, "You got a good life!!!" it makes me smile, crack up, cry from joy, and also cry because it's so damn true. It's so true. I am so blessed. Unbelievably blessed. My life is abundant with love, family, support, comfort, freedom, and joy. Lately I've been failing to focus on this joy and instead my perspective is so freaking negative. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of focusing on what I don't have - what I'm not doing - what I haven't accomplished - what I should be doing - who I should be. This is a terrible habit and mindset that traps me. And I'm fed up with it. Why do I treat myself like this? Why do I beat myself up?

 

My husband gave me a great pep talk today and he said that he wished that I could see myself through his eyes. And it really hit home to me. I wish that I could! I wish that I could see myself through his lens, or that of my mom, or my sisters, or anyone else who loves me and sees the best in me! I honestly wish that I could have a Freaky Friday type moment where I could step outside of my own head and see how others percieve me. You have no idea how hard I am on myself up here in my stupid consciousness.

 

This is my dilemma. Enough with the negative. I'm ready to shift. I want to enjoy my life. I want to focus on joy. On the love that makes my heart want to explode every single time that I look at my husband's face and into my little toddler's deep ocean blue eyes.

 

So, I'm ready. To recommit to mindfulness. To slow down. To stop rushing. To take care of myself. To offer myself the compassion that I reserve for all others. To practice every day so that I can be better than I used to be. To do my best at all times. To just sit. To observe life rather than projecting assumptions upon myself and others. To open up my heart.

 

I'm so blessed to have this time where my only job is to take care of my boy. I don't need to punish myself with guilt for having this luxury. This is my Life's Work. And, "You got a good life!!!!"

 

Thanks, Prison Mike. 

Bibliophiliaaaaaaaaaahhhh 2012

What did I accomplish in 2012?

 

I mothered, I moved (twice), I supported my family members with the love & energy I DO have, I leaned on my loved ones when I needed their support (especially my hardworking saint of a husband), I worked a little outside the home, I co-created a kick-ass book club, I hostessed a top-notch 2 year old dinosaur birthday party, I participated in Yoga Calm training while living at McMenamins Edgefield for a week, I did as much yoga & meditation as I could, I found amazing instructors & studios in which to practice said yoga, etc... etc... etc...

 

Also, I READ. A lot.

In January:

1. Wicked by, Gregory Maguire
This was my first pick for our book club, "The Randy Readers". It was actually a re-read for me, but I invited the RRs to read it in preparation for seeing the MUSICAL in March! Which I got to see TWICE!!! Thanks, Mom!
It's a fabulous series, and now I kind of want to re-read all four books.
The musical blew my freakin mind.
2. She's Come Undone by, Wally Lamb
3. Wildwood by, Colin Meloy
4. The Joy of Sex Edited by, Alex Comfort, PHD
This is an awesome, 70s era edition (complete with awesome 70s era pencil drawing illustrations). I wish I'd read this book when I was 18. It helped me to further embrace my sexuality. My hubby and I have reaped some serious benefits this year. ;) Read it if you haven't.
5. The Chronology of Water by, Lidia Yuknavitch
This was our second pick for the RRs (although my BFF Emily picked it & regretted it because she was not crazy about it!)
But, I AM CRAZY about it. This is a memoir, and at the same time, it's a work of art. I found myself reading some lines out loud just to hear how beautiful the words were put together. This book is refreshing, depressing, joyful, and I am gonna cry right now just thinking about it. I love memoirs, and I love this author. When Miles and I were young, we took a literature class together in community college and Lidia was our instructor! I was terrified by her, but also enamored. She knew Ken Kesey & Chuck Palahniuk personally... and she was impressed by my work and especially my insights on Fight Club. I'll never forget her and I'm so proud of her for writing this memoir.
Now I want to read it again!

In February:

6. Crazy Enough by, Storm Large
Another RR pick, another memoir, and another Portland personality that I'm obsessed with.
This memoir expands on the one-woman play that I was fortunate enough to see by the same name. This woman is a force of nature. She is an unbelievably talented rockstar, and I still rock out to the soundtrack from the show. Especially the song, "My Vagina is 8 Miles Wide!"
7. Half Broke Horses by, Jenette Walls
The RRs read Walls' memoir The Glass Castle along with this book, which details the life of the author's grandmother. Read both of these books if you haven't already!!!
8. Bossypants by, Tina Fey

In March:

9. Peace is Every Step by, Thicht Naht Hahn
I started this book in March, but didn't finish it until December! Which is funny, because it's a tiny little gem of a book!
Fun Fact: TNH's shares a birthday with ME and my sister Megan! Discovering this totally made my year.
March was the month in which we were moving out of our rental into an apartment, where we'd live for 3 months while we house hunted. This is why I didn't get any reading done!

In April:

10. Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? by, Mindy Kaling
I love this girl.
11. The Line by, Teri Hall
Young Adult series... are there only two??? These were good.

In May:

12. The Girl Who Fell From the Sky by, Heidi Durrow
13. Away by, Teri Hall
14. American on Purpose by, Craig Fergusen
One of my favorite books of the year. I read a lot of memoir-type books by comedians & comediennes this year. Fergusen is a great writer, funny, honest, insightful, and self-deprecating.
15. Fifty Shades of Grey by, E.L James
Soooo I was totally a mom from the SNL skit. The boys got me a kindle and I ended up downloading the trilogy. I completely got wrapped up in the phenomenon that was 50 Shades!!! Now that we've all come out the other side, we can see that the writing is TERRIBLE, and I'm not sure how this series put a spell on us all!!! But, I'll say one thing, it helped me discover that I am a fan of porn. Not watching it, or looking at magazines, but reading it.
16. The Other Baby Book: A Natural Approach to Baby's First Year by, Megan McGrory Massaro and Miriam J. Katz
17. Fifty Shades Darker by, E.L James
18. Fifty Shades Freed by, E.L James
Yes, I whipped through them all. I tried to go back and re-read the first one and I couldn't get through the first few pages because of the ANNOYINGLY TERRIBLE WRITING.

In June:

19. Whip Smart by, Melissa Febos
Another RR pick: memoir of a dominatrix. This book is not sexy in any way, but it is fabulous and fascinating.
20. Secret Lives by, Diane Chamberlain
A cheap, guilty pleasure read that I bought on my Kindle one night when I couldn't sleep. Reminds me of my youth when I would tear through V.C Andrews.
21. Confessions of a Scary Mommy by, Jill Smokler
22. Gone Girl by, Gillian Flynn
One of the most popular books of the year. It was pretty good. Definitely a unique story & writing style.
23. The City of Ember by, Jeanne DuPrau
Young Adult series. Obviously I read all of them.
24. The People of Sparks by, Jeanne DuPrau

In June, we moved out of our little apartment into our new house out in the suburbs of Aloha! And, since I love to make myself crazy, I checked out of my real life and into McMenamins Edgefield where I lived for a week while taking part in the Yoga Calm training. The day after I was finished: Moving day. Our support system is amazing though and we had many family members and friends help us, yet again, because that is how my family is. Here I am writing this, 8 months later, and I feel like I am still settling in. Trying to settle down.

In July:

25. The Prophet of Yonwood by, Jeanne DuPrau
This one was different than the others and I didn't enjoy it.
26. The Diamond of Darkhold by, Jeanne DuPrau
27. The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business  by, Charles Duhigg
Another super popular book of the year. This book was fascinating and actually helpful if you are truly interested in changing your habits. Apparently our brains are lazy and go on auto pilot quite often.
28. Wild by, Cheryl Strayed
Okay, this was another book club pick and my FAVORITE book of the year by far. If you haven't read it, I highly suggest that you do. It's a memoir by a woman who hikes the entire Pacific Crest Trail by herself. I couldn't imagine ever being brave enough to do something like that. Strayed is a fantastic writer; funny, touching, insightful and extremely inspiring.
29. Buddha Mom by, Jaqueline Kramer
30. Dirty Life: On Farming, Food and Love by, Kristin Kimball

In August:

31. The Ten, Make That Nine, Habits of Very Organized People. Make That Ten. by, Steve Martin
No, Steve Martin! Martin's book "Born Standing Up" is Fantastic. So, naturally I thought that his other books would be as well. I've tried to read his fiction and haven't been able to get into any of them. And this book is just random ramblings... that I didn't find funny. Maybe because I don't tweet??
32. Beyond the Sling by, Mayim Bialik
A book by our beloved "Blossom" about attachment parenting. I enjoyed the bulk of this book because it emphasises to trust your instincts when parenting. It started out very open and common sense. Towards the end of this book there were parts that bugged me, like when she bragged that her kids never went through a "no phase" and so on and so forth. Blech. I don't want to hear that.
33. Ender's Game by, Orson Scott Card
My hubby is always telling me to read Science Fiction and I never do because that is his thing. He is obsessed. But, I'm glad that I read this book. Apparently it is a series but it stands well on it's own.
34. HeartSick by, Chelsea Cain
Oh My God. Another Portland author that I am OBSESSED with now! You are not going to be able to put these books down. This is a F*up thriller/murder/suspense/love story series that takes place in our lovely city. I had to skim through some of the scenes in this book because they are too gruesome, but the books are like crack.
35. My Horizontal Life by, Chelsea Handler
This book was Hilarious! I really enjoyed it. It's about all of Handler's one night stands. Naturally I thought her other books would be hilarious... spoiler alert: they are not.
36. Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang by, Chelsea Handler
Not funny. Disappointed.
37. The Night Circus by, Erin Morgenstern
Another favorite book of the year. A really unique and beautifully imaginative love story. I wished this book could go on forever and I was sad when it ended.
38. Sweetheart by, Chelsea Cain
Eek! Beautiful serial killer Gretchen Lowell is back!!! These books all kind of run together now in my head, but I love them all.
39. Being Perfect by, Anna Quinland
40. Life of Pi by, Yann Martel
This gets my "thinking woman's award" for the year. Honestly, after I finished it I did not know what to make of it. I had to think on it for a while to make sense of it. But, it's beautiful and another favorite of mine. I'm also a big fan of the movie that came out later this year.
41. The Guinea Pig Diaries by, A.J Jacobs
Jacob's books are all fascinating to me. He just embarks on these different experiments in his life. I feel like I try to do the same thing, but my follow through sucks. (obviously)

In September:

42. Drop Dead Healthy by, A.J Jacobs
We read this one for book club, where Jacobs attempts to be the healthiest man on the planet. I found it comforting because he found there is no one "best" diet, exercise regime, or lifestyle that has proven to be the healthiest. I find that comforting because I try to be healthy and it's enough that I'm conscious of it without being obsessive.
43. Dora: A Headcase by, Lidia Yuknavitch
A f*up coming of age story by Portland's own Yuknavitch. Did I mention I'm obsessed with her??? Here she pushes the boundaries waaaay off the page again and I love her for it.
44. The Last Town on Earth by, Thomas Mullen

In October:

45. Girl Walks into a Bar by, Rachel Dratch
46. My Booky Wook by, Russell Brand
47. Evil at Heart by, Chelsea Cain
Obsessed.
48. Dear Sugar by, Cheryl Strayed
Obsessed.
49. Happy Accidents by, Jane Lynch
50. Dharma Girl by, Chelsea Cain
51. White Girl Problems by, Babe Walker
Another really guilty pleasure I purchased on my kindle. But, if you can find this book read it for a good laugh. Or just to feel better about your life. Or to escape into a rich socialite's fantasy life - where she spirals out of control. And now I have a new catchphrase for pettiness in my life, "White Girl Problems".
52. The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty by, Anne Rice
Straight up Porn written by Anne Rice in the 80's under a different name. Grown-up fairytale porn. If you liked Fifty Shades... you may or may not enjoy this series. But I did.
53. Beauty's Punishment by, Anne Rice
54. The Giver by, Lois Lowry
One of my favorite books - I read the entire series this year, finally! Each book ends with unanswered questions, but in the newest one "Son" stories are tied together.

In November:

55. People of the Book by, Geraldine Brooks
A book club pick that I'm glad I read. I wouldn't have picked it on my own. Historical fiction that covers an astounding length of time, different cultures and geographical distance. What a huge undertaking for this author! It is
56. Torch by, Cheryl Strayed
I love you, Cheryl Strayed, but this book was just alright.
57. Gathering Blue by, Lois Lowry

In December:

58. The Four Agreements by, Don Miguel Ruiz
A beautiful little book that holds all the secrets of happiness. Now, if only I could follow these.
59. Year of Wonder by, Geraldine Brooks
60. Messenger by, Lois Lowry



So, yeah. 2012 I finished 60 books - officially. I started something like 81 books. Maybe I used reading as an escape from the things that were stressing me out. Maybe I just needed to feel like I had a goal that I was working toward. Maybe I spent precious sleeping hours reading with a little light under my covers. Maybe I just love making myself crazy. Whatever the reason, this is how I measured this last year. I rushed through these comments, but I'm feeling anxious to finish this post that has been sitting here unfinished for these short months of 2013. I want to move on to my next adventure.

I'm a work in progress.

2012 in review

Christmas morning I felt like I received everything I needed for next year: a new Jade yoga mat & a meditation bell from Tibet. Aaah.
Reflecting on this passing year there are three things that have been a constant theme. One is family. Always family. I cherish every precious moment I've spent with my little elf who started this year at just one year old and then yesterday celebrated his 31 month milestone. (My little moon baby: born under a full moon + yesterday was a full moon = a sassy week in our house)
Our little family moved TWICE this year and we're now getting settled into our first home that we own. Yes, it's out here in the suburbs... but that was the one compromise alongside a HUGE list of pro's. A safe neighborhood with sidewalks, a creek to explore, 10 kids on this cul de sac for Jude to play with, really nice and welcoming neighbors, no above ground power lines, four + huge bedrooms, an immense yard, garage, attic, craft room, guest room that is right now serving as a meditation room, two fireplaces... I could go on. This place is a freakin castle. It's a lot to take in. And I'm still taking it in. But, I'm trying to be patient with myself.
My bigger family also had a huge year of transitions, and LOTS of moving. My parents settled into a Portland home (YAY!) and my sister moved back from Austin with her partner (yayayayayayyyayayay) There's a lot more to say, but my point is that I have spent a lot of energy on my family this year. I wouldn't have it any other way. And this Christmas was the best ever because we were all together. Like, major LOVEFEST!!!!
Two: Yoga.
Yoga has been a part of my life for over a decade. I started this year with a New Year's Day practice at HeartSong studio out here in Beaverton advertised as a "SUN Salute-a-Thon". This practice consisted only of 108 Sun Salutations.
And I just signed up again for this Tuesday. BAM.
Early on in 2012 I had my heart set on finding a RYT200 training to become a certified Yoga Instructor. I spent time at Yoga Bhoga, my now favorite yoga studio, and I took a couple of classes at the Yoga Space. I didn't know how the hell I would pay for the approximately $3000 training, but I figured that would work itself out. I met Michelle Leow, who owns the Yoga Space and runs the training offered there, at her class one night in February, and literally THE NEXT MORNING we got the news that we had 30 days to move out of our rental home in Beaverton where we had lived for 5+ years.
So, my energy shifted to taking care of these pressing priorities.
As a compromise, I signed up for the week long "Yoga Calm" intensive training held last June at the Edgefield resort in Gresham. I decided to move into the hotel for a week and take a "vacation from my problems" a la Bob Wiley. This training is for a program to teach and incorporate yoga in public schools. As I am a licensed Elementary teacher it really combined my two passions: teaching + yoga. Literally the day after this training ended was moving day (#2 for the year) and we spent the weekend moving from the apartment, where we had lived for 3 months while house hunting, into our new home.
So, yeah. Yoga helped me with all of the stresses and transitions of this year. I met many great instructors and students. I'm still really hard on myself during my practice, but my new goal is to be NICER to myself. Geez. I'm so mean to myself up there in my head.
This is basically my resolution for next year: to be less of a brat. Mainly with myself. But, also with my husband.
I'm learning some new strategies that will hopefully help me treat myself with more Compassion, Love, Understanding, and Patience from the third theme of my 2012....
BOOKS.
My BFF, Emily, and I successfully formed a book club this year. It's evolved over the past 12 months and is now made up of about 8 really spectacular ladies.
Along with this project, I decided to keep track of all the books I start & finish this year.
As of today, December 29th, I have started 81 books and finished 59 of them.
In my next post, I'll list all of those out in case you're interested.

So, I have to shift my focus from those things that I DIDN'T do this year and instead choose to celebrate what I did. It's so easy (and comfortable?) to beat myself up for that which I have not yet accomplished. But, to stay in that mindset means that I'm really missing out. I'm missing out on my life when I get wrapped up in those thoughts.

I want to live my life.

So, maybe I'm not what I COULD be, maybe I'm not what I SHOULD be. But, I am a whole helluva lot better than I used to be.

And I'm excited for whatever may come.

PREGNANCY:
When my Yoga practice really went to the next level.