Day 16

Summer rant. 

My son has recently turned 4. My son, who I am trying to raise as a balanced, compassionate, individual who is free to be himself. My new mantra is that I want to remain open, so that I am able to see him for the person that he is - for him to reveal himself to me - as opposed to trying to shape him into some sort of vision that I have for who he should be. I want to bask in his presence. 

My son who I inwardly jump for joy when he is drawn to pink airplane toys, princesses, Barbie jeeps & Barbie herself - (who he pronounces Bahbee/like he's from Bahston). And now he's on the other side of 4, and he's not quite categorizing toys & other things into "only for boys or only for girls". But he has somehow picked up that things are either "cool" or "pretty". And he's identifying with the cool stuff, not the pretty stuff. And this is what is pissing me off about our consumerist, sexist society. This is what's pissing me off about companies spending 15 Billion dollars every year marketing to children! Directly! To sell them not only plastic shit that they don't need at all to play and enjoy their lives. But they're also selling them ideas about who they are, what they should be identifying with, and their roles as boys and girls. Selling this shit to babies! Toddlers! Preschoolers! Making a fucking killing by exploiting the natural developmental occurance of how we begin to figure out how we fit into this world and filling in all the blanks of what it means, or looks like to be a boy or a girl. 

Number one, I have to spend energy fighting this mass marketing machine. Because I want my kids to make up their own minds, to think for themselves, and to develop into who they are as unique human beings in a natural world possessing both masculine and feminine qualities. So we don't watch advertisements. When they can't be avoided I tell him, "they're trying to sell you stuff that you don't need !" We don't watch a lot if TV in general. We don't spend much time browsing the toy aisles because it makes me want to vomit to see the aisles split into boy shit and girl shit. It's mostly all shit. And don't get me started on the plethora of electronic talking so called educational "toys" for babies. 

Which brings me to number two. This shit (TV, toy departments, society in general) would be so much more enjoyable if there was any sort of actual thought, support for healthy development, celebration and yes, Protection of childhood behind it. There's a lot of fucking money to be made and parents like me would shell out more cash if I saw toys that depicted females in roles that we're not solely about looking god damned pretty. We're so much more than that. 

And now I have a baby girl. In an era where the Disney princesses have been re-vamped to have a more pronounced arch in their back, bigger eyes, more pout to their lips, higher hair, curvier breasts and hips, and so much more sparkle to their dresses. Because they weren't pretty enough already. Sigh. 

No, now they better fit a completely sexualized image. To. Sell. To. Little. Girls. Very little girls. 

What the fuck, people?! 

Jude was putting together puzzles this evening. Puzzles that someone gave us & we'd never done before. We're jamming out to Raffi, Scarlett is doing baby puzzles (eating wooden puzzle pieces & banging them around) and I'm just watching my son. I am observing and only offering guidance in the slightest way. I'm watching his face burst with the brightest light of the sun and all twenty of his teeth sparkle in his grin because he is proud, filled with pride, when he keeps turning and turning the pieces and finally the picture reveals itself to him and those chopped up pieces finally make sense. And he's doing it on his own. I know how to make puzzles, now it's his turn to figure it out. And I'm giving him the space to do that. So, the second puzzle he is completing depicts some sort of princess from a Disney Junior show. I don't even know who it is. First he thinks the poofy purple dress is cake. I don't correct him. He figures out its a person, a girl. He puts her face together and her arms are both outstretched. I say, "it looks like she's stretching! Maybe she's stretching!" He finds me a couple minutes later, "mommy she's not stretching! Look, she's like... Being a ballerina!" One hand is over her head, turned toward her head. "Oh!" I say, "she's dancing !" So I proceed to dance around the living room. After the puzzle is completed I see it and a little bit of joy inside me dies. She's in a room, surrounded by books, and she's balancing a fucking book on her head. 

Why isn't she reading the book?? I wonder. 

Why isn't she dancing? 

Why isn't she stretching? 

Why isn't she eating a fucking piece of cake? 

Rant over. 

For now. 

Day 15

I just put my 3 year old to bed for the last time. Sniffle. Tear. 

This guy ... 

I am so proud of him. Every single day. Some days I'm quick to be driven crazy and it makes me feel terrible. Because that's me being tired or distracted or impatient. Most days though I'm able to slow down and enjoy this world through his beautiful blue eyes. 

Today we ended up at the World Forestry Center. We had the place pretty much to ourselves. So we had about this much fun the entire time ... 

3 has been Huge. A baby sister, a year of preschool, a new cousin, getting dressed, superheroes galore, turning on lamps, and lots of peeing in the front yard. Just to mention a few milestones. All year long though, we've been looking ahead to four. It's been an amazing motivational tool as in, "Oh, only four year olds know how to put on their own pants. Maybe when you're four you can reach that lamp." Followed by, "Look mom! Your 3 year old can do it!" And now we're on the eve of four and I kind of want to just soak up every single second of this year. Every day. Every moment. I'm so damn lucky to get to spend every single day with him. 

Day 14

Um sorry it's been over 45 days since I posted last! That was my goal - right?! 

I'm nursing my 8 month old baby girl at almost 6am. She's getting a top tooth - number 3! I've been so enjoying her two toof smile for 5 months but now she's moving on up! She now pulls herself up to stand on any piece of furniture available, sits herself up, lowers herself down, and is starting to cruise around the perimeter of the train table. She gets frustrated when she feels stuck but I get a huge smile when I offer my hand to assist her in moving on. Here she is napping outside this morning ... 

And 4 years ago today at 11am my water broke! That means the original bear cub's fourth birthday is coming up in two days from now! Here he is browsing the toy aisle at Fred Meyers ...

We had a beautifully chaotic birthday party Saturday with 15 kids in our backyard. There was a ball pit, tent, crawling tunnels, teepee, sand table, basketball hoop, soccer, and it was a fantastic free for all! 

What a perfect way to kick off our summer break! He also finished Chipmunk preschool this last week. I've heard it a million times, "they grow up so fast" and, yes, they do. 

All I can do is *bask*! 

Day 13

After preschool today I took the kids to the science museum. Jude wanted to go somewhere to see dinosaur bones. I think he was envisioning a complete t-Rex fossil or something really impressive, but I do my best. Our museum has full fossils of a Sabre Tooth Cat, Dire Wolf, and  a resin replica of an Allosaurus skull.

I think he enjoyed playing in the science playground, especially the baby area with his sister. 

Scarlett put many toys in her mouth, and I hope she didn't pick up anything too damaging germ-wise. I read or heard once that when your child does pick something up, the mother inhales whatever germ it is from the baby's breath, and her body automatically creates antibodies that are then given to the baby via breast milk. The article was titled something like "mommy kisses really do heal". I guess we'll find out? 

Day 12

Breastfeeding. 

If I can misquote Andy from an episode of the HBO show Weeds, "it's more like a  shower head than a dripping faucet" 

Something along those lines. 

When your milk lets down it sprays out of several ducts and they are what I call "stuck on". So if your baby for some reason delatches or lets go of your nipple during this window of time your nipple will look like a shower head spraying milk in several directions. 

I'm describing this because lately Scarlett gets distracted by what's going on around her while she's nursing, and she lets go and ends up being literally showered with my breast milk.  And it's adorable. She'll have lines made up of tiny white droplets all over her face, eyelashes and hair. 

Today I was plucking my eyebrows while sitting on the floor in front of a mirror, nursing of course because you only need one hand to tweeze! I didn't even realize she'd popped off, but when I looked down her beautiful head was covered in milk sprays and my nipple was shower head spraying all over the place. 

She had such a happy two-toothed smile on her face. A beautiful sight to see. 

Day 11

This is my happy place. 

This is the house my aunt & uncle built 30ish years ago. (With their own hands, not like having a house built) 

These are the woods I walked through. 

This is the ground I explored. 

This is where my happy childhood memories were formed. 

This is where my family gathers. 

This is where babies have been born and raised. 

This is where we had our wedding 6 years ago. 

This is where I can relax & find inspiration in every nook & cranny. 

This is my baby girl, crawling around where so many babies have crawled. 

This is the structure the menfolk built for us to stand under as we made our wedding vows. 

This is my Oregonian boy, running free. 

This is where he could stay all day - rain or shine. 

This is us pretending we are as cool as Paul & Bonnie. 

This is my heart. 

Day 10

We are rounding out our first Spring Break! Jude only goes to preschool for 4 hours a week, but it's still my first Spring Break as a mom of two. 

Highlights include: a picnic with the neighbors, playing at the park with a preschool friend, playing with the culdesac kids all day (Monday), library (which was packed!), bowling with daddy, baby play date with 2 teacher friends & their babies (Tuesday), children's museum for 4.5 hours (Wednesday & it was super packed!), cousin Gwen coming for a visit (Thursday through today), meeting a sweet 2 week old baby at a very good friend's, playing with her newly crowned big brother, (Friday), donut breakfast, a very busy & packed bookstore, dinner out with a long lost cousin (Saturday), and a party for my dad's birthday today, with 3 babies & 4 crazy big kids galore. 

Phew! 

Since my theme is breastfeeding, I should mention that I breastfed at every place that I listed above: the playground, restaurant, etc. At the museum we actually ducked into a little room labeled "first aid & nursing room" to sit on a comfy couch & take a break from the very crowded atmosphere. At the super crowded bookstore, I saw a mom openly walking around while breastfeeding - which I really appreciated because I've had to chase after Jude with the baby still attached before, and I've wondered if others might do the same. :) 

One of my favorite moments this week occurred on Thursday. I was very tired & hadn't slept well the night before. After taking the kids grocery shopping, we were at home and I threw a sleeping bag out in the backyard. I set the baby down & went inside to gather books, a blanket, water bottle, camera, home phone, and then carried my barefoot, Popsicle eating 3 & 1/2 year old over. It was sprinkling a little off and on, alternating with sun breaks. Typical Oregon. The three of us read books, made up games, crawled in the grass, nursed, snuggled, giggled, and just Lived together until the rain became too intense. I gathered the 4 corners of the sleeping bag together and dragged it all inside. It was a beautiful, messy, wet, happy, alive experience. 

I was taking pictures with my actual camera this week, so I don't have anything cute to share directly from my phone, which I'm writing this on. 

Next week it's back to our routine. Although, while raising tiny people, I feel like we are in a constant state of transition rather than anything I could call a "routine" that might last for more than 2 seconds. 

There is nothing to be done but to 

*bask*